The bachelor life isn’t for everyone. In some ways, it’s a hard road. It comes at a price. That is what this article is about: the costs of traveling this toll road, and how self-esteem can help defray those costs. More broadly, I want to lay out the case that self-esteem is essential for bachelor contentment.
Before we get to the bachelors, though, let’s appreciate the importance of self-esteem in general, for everyone. Self-esteem (or “self-respect” or “self-confidence,” if you prefer) affects nearly every aspect of life:
- Whether you enjoy your day or not
- Levels of anxiety, depression, anger, guilt, and shame
- Who you choose as partners and friends
- How you respond to difficulties, mistakes, and setbacks
- Choice of career, as well as success within that career
- How you communicate and manage relationships
- The goals you set and your persistence at those goals
- Your health and longevity
Self-esteem, then, is important for everyone. But if you want to live a happy, contented life as a bachelor, it is indispensable. Here is why:
- It allows you to enjoy your own company.
- It helps with women — whether you want them or not.
- It lets you tear up the old map and design a new one.
- It enables you to resist pressures to conform.
- It enables you to deal with flak.
- It allows you to live happily with less social validation.
- It immunizes you against self-doubt and insecurity.
I’ll expand on each of those points below, but before I do, I need to clarify something. When I say that self-esteem is essential to a contented bachelor life, I don’t mean to convey that, if you lack self-esteem, you are screwed. I don’t want to demoralize anyone. I struggled with low self-esteem for decades. That’s one reason I know so much about this topic — I had to. I know how hard it can be.
So, if you are reading this, and you feel low about yourself, you have my empathy. Know that you can turn this around. Self-esteem can be built up over time, if you do the work and you know where to apply energy. I won’t pretend that it’s an easy, quick fix — it certainly wasn’t for me — but it is absolutely worth the effort.
By the way, if you missed the first part in this series, where I described what self-esteem is and isn’t, here is that:
https://goodbachelorhood.com/self-esteem-for-bachelors-introduction/
Ok, so let’s proceed to talking about why self-esteem is essential for a contented bachelor life.
Enjoying Your Own Company
The bachelor life involves a lot of time alone, especially if you’re also an introvert like me. You probably live alone and spend most of your time alone, maybe with a dog or a cat. If you want to enjoy your time alone, you had better enjoy your own company.
If you have poor self-esteem, solitude will feel uncomfortable. After all, who likes spending time with someone they don’t like? You may feel restless, down, bored, discontent, or lonely. You will seek external distractions of one sort or another – social media, games, TV, whatever. You will want to “stay busy,” preoccupied with external tasks or entertainment. And you will need other people – not so much for the pleasure of connecting, but as a relief from being alone.
The field of psychology idolizes relationships; everything is about Relationships, romantic-sexual ones in particular. However, some psychologists have focused instead on the capacity for solitude — the ability to be happily and peacefully alone (e.g., Winnicott, Storr, Buchholtz). Turns out, the capacity to be alone is a bona-fide psychological achievement, which has major ramifications for mental health, relationships, creativity, and fulfillment. Not everyone achieves this capacity, and when they don’t, their lives are cramped and limited.
I remember a girlfriend once, telling me early in the relationship that she “didn’t like being alone.” That was a red flag. I merrily whistled right on past it. Woops. I paid for that mistake.
Anyhow, the basic premise here is simple: If you don’t like yourself, you won’t enjoy your time as a bachelor much, because a lot of that involves time alone — time with someone you don’t like. On the other hand, if you have reasonably good self-esteem, your time alone will be satisfying and meaningful.
It Helps with Women – whether you want them or not
I don’t need to say much about the first case. Every dating guru on the internet will tell you that, if you want to attract women, you need confidence. I would suggest that the opposite is actually more true — that if you want to repel women, you need a lack of confidence. Whichever way you phrase it, if you want romantic-sexual relationships with women, having self-esteem helps. I don’t think I need to belabor the obvious.
However, it is equally true — and maybe less obvious — that self-esteem also helps if you are an eternal bachelor like myself, not particularly interested in serious, committed romantic-sexual relationships.
It is easier to see this by looking at the reverse case — the man with low self-esteem. If a man feels low about himself, what better “cure” could there be (he thinks) than having the approval and care of a beautiful woman? If he feels lousy about himself, what better “proof” of his worth could there be than the approval and favor of a kind, beautiful woman?
When a man feels shitty about himself, he will tend to view women as a “fix” of sorts – a cure for his disease.
This is not surprising, because this is the message our genes and our culture constantly whisper in our ear: your worth as a man and your fulfillment in life lies in the arms of a woman. To some degree, all men fall for this. The man with low self-esteem, though, is especially vulnerable, because his low self-esteem makes him desperate for relief.
“There is no drug more powerful than a beautiful woman.”
Warren farrell
Women will call to him like sirens to Odysseus. He will feel drawn to them as a fix, a cure — as rescue, as salvation, as a high to escape his low. At an unconscious level, he believes that her care, love, and approval will transform him.
As a result, such a man needs women. He may view them almost like an addict views a drug. He may get hooked on them – one in particular or maybe a dozen in succession.
The man with reasonably good self-esteem does not have this problem. He does not need women to regulate his self-esteem. He is fine as he is. He appreciates women’s approval and care when it comes, but he does not need it; he does not depend on it as a source of self-esteem. As a result, he can forgo romantic-sexual relationships without feeling deprived of something vital.
If you want to forgo serious romantic-sexual relationships, you had better have good self-esteem. If your self-esteem is weak, women will just feel too damn necessary to your life and happiness. You will feel too much of a need for women; you won’t be able to go without them. Although you may dress the desire up in romantic language, underneath, you are drawn to women because you believe they will fix what ails you, they will rescue you from low self-worth.
This doesn’t work, not in the long run — although it hasn’t stopped millions of men from trying. Like other sources of externally derived self-esteem, it will feel great in the beginning, then peter out and leave him back where he started, hungry for more.
Tearing Up the Old Map and Designing a New One
From our culture and our genes, we inherit a map or a paradigm about how to live. The map existed long before you arrived, and it will be here long after you depart.
The map tells you how to live as a man. It tells you what your priorities should be, how you should behave, what you should value and pursue:
- Seek out women, especially attractive and fertile women
- Shape yourself to be liked, sought after, and chosen by those women
- Compete with other men to attain resources and status, in order to attract these women
- Have sex with women; although more is better, also form stable pair bonds with the best of those women
- Produce children and help raise them
- Organize your life around everything that these goals require.
Bachelors say, “Eh, no thanks. You guys go on ahead. I’m going to do something different with my life.”
Now, tearing up the map creates three problems. First, it is difficult to tear up this map permanently, because it isn’t printed on paper; it’s printed on your genes and on the mental frameworks conveyed by media and culture. And it never stops coming, so the old map just keeps reasserting itself. I’ll say more about that in the next section.
The second problem is that every sailor needs a map to navigate, and you have just torn yours up. What were you thinking! Now you are adrift in a black sea, not knowing which way to go. There be dragons. You need to find your way forward, but you don’t even know which direction “forward” is.
That brings us to the third problem, which is designing a new map. This is not easy and will take considerable time, effort, and thought. It will require a lot of trial and error — i.e., making a lot of mistakes and stumbling down plenty of blind alleys. It requires risk, and it requires self-responsibility.
It also requires self-esteem, because everything I just mentioned — independent thinking, perseverance, ability to acknowledge mistakes, risk and responsibility — all takes self-esteem.
One of the ways self-esteem manifests is via self-trust: trust in your own thinking, instincts, and judgment. If you’re going to tear up the old map, survive the confusion that inevitably follows, and use only your “inner compass” to find your way forward, self-trust will be essential. You will need trust in your own thinking, instincts, and judgment. You will confidence in your ability to slowly create a new map.
Self-trust: every heart vibrates to that iron string.
ralph waldo Emerson
When you have good self-esteem, tearing up the old map and embarking on this journey can feel like an invigorating challenge. When you lack self-esteem, though, tearing up the old map and setting sail alone feels frightening and intimidating. You will be tempted to stay in safe harbor, consulting the old map for directions. Your bachelor ship will never leave port — or, if it does, we will probably find you leaning over the rails, seasick.
Pressure to Conform
When you travel the bachelor path, you should appreciate the forces aligned against you. This is not pessimism; this is just reality. You need to understand these forces, because if you underestimate them, they will sink you. Keep your enemies in front of you, because they’ll take you down from behind.
The forces come in two forms: genetic and cultural. By “genetic,” I mean the accumulated heritage of millions or billions of years of evolution. Over this unimaginable stretch of time, evolution has selected for certain physical and psychological traits in men. The map I mentioned above does a fair job of summarizing them, at a psychological level: pursue women, pursue relationships with women, pair-bond, procreate, compete with men for resources and status in order to win female approval. This is how men are wired, at a very basic level. An enormous amount of our biology is devoted to enacting that program.
The second source of pressure is culture, or rather the accumulated weight of 10,000 years of culture. This shows up in all aspects of culture – religion, mythology, cultural norms, government policy, news reporting, film, music, what gets social attention and what doesn’t, economic incentives, advertisements, etc. It is evident across all cultures, and recent trends notwithstanding, it almost always echoes the same priorities mentioned above, the ones carried by the genes.
These two forces combine and reinforce each other. As a bachelor, you’re swimming against both of those currents. Each is powerful by itself — millions of years of evolution and the cumulative weight of 10,000 years of culture – but in combination they are like a tidal wave.
Both your biology and your culture have a tremendous stake in your “getting with the program.” In the case of your genes, it is their literal survival. In the case of culture, it would be an economic and governmental catastrophe, if men adopted this lifestyle in large numbers. When you step out of line, they try to force you back in.
In order to stand up to the pressure, you need confidence in your own position. Actually, you need more than confidence — you need a stubborn streak, a willingness to dig in your heels and say No. That comes from self-esteem, from knowing your values and being willing to make a stand.
If you look at the contented bachelors you know, you may notice that most of them have one trait in common: they are all rather individualistic and unconventional, maybe a little eccentric or idiosyncratic. They do not conform; they are their own men. They do not join the herd. As a result, they have a history of resisting pressures to conform. They have built up the internal strength to stand firm. That is self-esteem in action.
If you don’t have self-esteem, you will cave to the pressure and conform to the standard scripts laid down long before you got here. I can’t fault you for that. As I mentioned, the forces aligned against you are extremely formidable, and they never really stop. If you lack self-esteem, you will either default to doing what your genes and culture tell you to do, or you will struggle to enjoy your life as a bachelor.
Dealing with Flak
Bachelors get flak. Some of the flak is overt, in the form of statements that convey there is something wrong with you. Most of it is covert, though, and it comes in the form of subtle messages and veiled criticism. Some of it comes directly from people we interact with; much of it comes from the media and culture. Some bachelors get more flak than others, but we all get it.
Self-esteem helps you fend off the flak in two ways:
First, self-esteem is like a suit of armor. When your self-esteem is strong, flak bounces off you like plastic kiddie arrows off a steel chest plate. When self-esteem is weak, flak is like an iron arrow penetrating cloth. It hurts. Strong self-esteem enables you to shrug off the flak. Weak self-esteem means the flak penetrates and injures you.
Second, good self-esteem reduces the amount of flak you have to deal with. People with good self-esteem usually get less flak than people with poor self-esteem. For instance, if a man with good self-esteem is asked, “How come you are still single?” he will answer in an honest and direct way, stating his preferences without a need to justify them. The other person will generally accept his answer at face value.
If a man with poor self-esteem is asked the same question, though, he is more likely to come across as insecure or defensive in his response, perhaps overly justifying or unnecessarily aggressive. There is something about defensiveness and insecurity that elicits questioning and attack, so that man will experience more “flak” than the first.
The man with good self-esteem gets fewer arrows shot at him, and the arrows that do get shot tend to bounce off harmlessly. The man with poor self-esteem has more arrows shot at him, and those arrows penetrate.
Living Peacefully with Reduced Social Validation
Part of signing on to the bachelor life means agreeing that you will get less social validation than conventionally minded married and coupled guys. That’s just the way it goes; it’s part of the tradeoff. Bachelors get less social validation and approval than married and coupled guys do. They get fewer “atta boys” and inclusion.
One reason is that their worldviews and lifestyles don’t align, so they have less in common to talk about. Another part is the genetic and cultural pressures I mentioned above, the ones that combine to keep men living out certain roles and scripts.
If you lack self-esteem, you will keenly feel the lack of external validation. It will sting. You might envy the married or coupled guys. You might question your choices. You might feel tempted to abandon the bachelor life and “return to our normally scheduled programming.”
Good self-esteem helps in two ways.
First, if you have good self-esteem, you have a good source of internal source of validation and support, so you don’t register the reduced external supply all that much. If you do notice it, it will seem like a small bother, not a big deal. You have more than enough internal support to compensate for any reduced external support. It’s sort of like a gas tank that fills up from the inside. You generate your own fuel; you have less need to fill up at the pump.
If your self-esteem is weak, you will feel pained by the lack of external validation. You will feel deprived of something important. You will feel like something is missing. Your gas tank will be low. You will need refueling. You need the external supply to make up for the internal deficit.
The second way self-esteem helps is that, if you have good self-esteem, you generally get more external validation, so you’ll have less of a deficit to worry about. If you like yourself, other people will respond in kind; they will tend to like you, too. On the flip side, if you don’t like yourself, others will pick up on that, respond in kind, and you’ll get with less validation and support.
So, people with good self-esteem can weather the reduction in external supply better, and they have less of a reduction to worry about. People with poor self-esteem will feel the reduction as a deprivation, and they will have more of a deficit to contend with.
Defusing Insecurity and Self-Doubt
The bachelor’s life is a challenging one. Because of all the factors we’ve mentioned above – tearing up the old map, conformity pressure, flak, reduced validation – the bachelor contends with a lot more uncertainty than someone traveling a conventional route. Sometimes the doubts arise from within. Sometimes other people or the media throw doubt in.
You won’t be surprised to hear me say that self-esteem is helpful here, too.
Self-esteem rests, in part, on a policy of making thoughtful decisions, not emotional ones. A man with good self-esteem typically has a policy of thinking his decisions through carefully; he does not decide major life issues on emotion or whim. His decisions are well-grounded. As a result, he has less need to doubt them. He is able to handle whatever uncertainty might arise. He has more trust in his thinking and judgment.
People with weak self-esteem, though, often make decisions out of emotion or impulse, rather than careful consideration. They lack trust in their own thinking and judgment. Because their decisions are based on a flimsy foundation, it is much easier to stir up uncertainty and self-doubt, whether from within or without. They have a much harder time dealing with those insecurities.
You can think of self-esteem as being like a psychological immune system. Just like your biological immune system protects against environmental threats, your psychological immune system protects against environmental threats, too – except not in the form of bacteria, but in the form of bad ideas. When your psychological immune system is healthy, you neutralize these external pests easily. When your immune system is compromised, though, you end up sick. You will be tempted to abandon this road and return to one more travelled.
Recap
If you want a contented bachelor life, self-esteem is essential in all these ways:
- It allows you to enjoy your time alone.
- It helps you deal with women, whether you want relationships or not.
- It enables you to resist biological and culture pressures to conform to standard male scripts.
- It allows you to tear up the old maps and find your way to the new ones.
- It helps you shrug off flak.
- It enables you to live peacefully with less validation.
- It provides a bullwark against insecurity and self-doubt.
If you don’t currently have much self-esteem, don’t despair. You can build it over time, if you are willing to do the work. I’ll share some ideas about that in the next article.