Sex is Overrated

Sex is overrated and overhyped. I understand why. It is wired into us at a basic level. None of us would be here without it. Nature prioritizes sex over everything except survival, and sometimes even survival is a casualty of sexual desire. Sex is undeniably important. Spiritual mythologies have been founded on it, not to mention tens of thousands of companies. Trillions of dollars flow into sex-based industries, whose combined income would dwarf the GDP of many large countries.

The massive emphasis we place on sex is one reason I think it is (almost inevitably) overemphasized. With how much time and attention we give it, how could it not be?

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For the Young Men

I’ll start with the young men, who are having a hard time of it lately. That’s one reason I’m writing this piece — to urge them not to overestimate the importance of sex.

As you’ve probably heard, male virginity rates are skyrocketing. Here is a graph illustrating that:

That’s more than a three-fold increase in just a decade. The timing coincides with the rise of social media and dating apps. Studies of these apps consistently show that about 80% of women are pursuing the top 20% of men — “top” in terms of sexual market value (largely determined by looks, provisioning ability, status, etc.), not in terms of character, personality, intellect, or other values. This leaves the other 80% of men out of luck, scrambling for the remaining 20% of women. Some data suggests the ratio is more like 90/10 or even worse. Other data indicate that women on these apps rate 80% of men as below average in attractiveness (men rate 50% of women as below average, 50% as above).

Roughly 80% of young men are having trouble getting dates, girlfriends, and sex. Women, by and large, are not having this trouble (they have other problems, which we don’t need to get into). There is nothing wrong with competing for sexual partners in principle — men have always had to do this. But things have dramatically changed in the past decade. One commentator quipped that if we compared the sexual market to a financial economy, the level of inequality would rival the worst dictatorship.

A small fraction of the 80% are the much-maligned “incels” — involuntary celibates, men who would like to lose their virginity but can’t. Most of the others are neither virgin nor incel. A subset of these men are deliberately walking away from modern women, citing their narcissism, promiscuity, lack of femininity, misandry, entitlement, and other issues.

The problem I want to address, though, is the fact that youth and idealism go together. That is, young men tend to idealize sex, and this compounds their misery. They overestimate the power and importance of sex.

I know this, because I was a young virgin at one time, yearning for sex and idealizing what it could offer. I saw sex as something special and magical, both enticing and intimidating. Unconsciously, I imagined that sex was life-transformative. I thought that sexual validation from a woman could bestow upon me peace of mind, confidence, personal worth, self-esteem, and a sense of manhood. I also expected the experience itself to be mind-blowing.

Of course, it was none of that. It was pleasurable, sure, for a short time. It was a relief to know that I was no longer a virgin — I had gotten “over the hump,” so to speak. But it wasn’t mind-blowing, and it didn’t bestow all the wonders I anticipated. It didn’t validate my worth, make me feel like a Real Man, or cause my insecurities to vanish. I liked it and wanted to do it again sometime, but it didn’t change my life. Over time, I got better at it, and so the experience improved, but it never fundamentally altered my life. In the end, it was just sex. Not that big a deal.

I only saw this in retrospect, though. It’s very easy to idealize something you’ve never had. You need sexual experience before you realize that sex isn’t a big deal.

This is my message to young men: don’t idealize sex; don’t make it out to be something it isn’t. Sex won’t transform your life. It won’t cure your ills. It won’t validate your worth as a person or as a man. Sex is a time-limited, pleasurable experience that you will enjoy for a few minutes or half an hour, and then it will be over. You may be left with a nice afterglow for a while, or you may be left with “post-nut clarity,” i.e., wondering why you went to all the trouble, perhaps a bit chagrined. You will clean up and get on with your day. And that’s about it.

My Sexy Time

Looking back, I’d say about 10% of my sexual experiences were great, 80% were okay but nothing remarkable, and the other 10% were awkward or botched.   

Most of the time, I enjoyed the anticipation more than the actual event.  The latter was enjoyable, but it wasn’t some incredible experience.  It was dopaminergic fun for five to thirty minutes, and then it was over.  Clean up, time to get on with the day.  (I know. I sound like a real romantic.)

As I mentioned, we live in a very sexualized culture.  Look at all the attention we give to sex in movies, TV programs, pornos, ads, clothing, music. We make an awfully big deal out of it. When I compare all that PR to that 80%, I think, “Is that what all the fuss was about?” 

Objections

I can imagine two objections at this point:    

#1: “You’re doing it wrong.”

#2: “You sound like a horrible sexist pig who only sees women as sexual objects. How dare you.” 

Let me address those briefly. 

#1. No, I’m not doing it wrong.  Granted, I’m not some jacked-up alpha stud who twirls women around on his penis, but I’ve got the basics down, and I’ve had plenty of compliments.  Fact is, I’ve had hundreds of sexual experiences, and 90% of the time, it’s just been okay.  Sure, there have been amazing, wonderful sessions, but those have been the exception. 90% of the time, sex has been a fleeting pleasure, evanescent — nothing fantastic, not even particularly memorable. 

#2: No, that’s not me, either. It’s an artifact of how I’m writing.  I’m trying to talk only about the sexual experience itself here, so I’m bracketing off the other elements (connection, care, etc.) and just focusing on sex. 

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Seems Like a Lot of Work on My Part

Part of my disenchantment with sex is the labor involved. Sex requires work — or at least, it requires work of me.  If you’re a top 20% dude, it won’t require much work. If you’re a women who is under 35 and not hideous, it won’t require much work.

Sad to say, I am neither of those, so I have to put in some work.  I have to do the initiating and the planning. I have to take responsibility for most of the conversation. I have to wine and dine and provide entertainment. I have to build things up then navigate to the appropriate venue.  I’m not complaining. This is what is required, if you’re an average-looking guy like me. But it is a fair amount of effort, and I often come away feeling that it wasn’t worth it. I enjoy both the anticipation and the sex itself, but afterwards, I often doubt whether it was worth all the time and trouble.  

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Many Women are Boring in Bed

You wouldn’t think so, judging by media portrayals or the way women hype themselves up, but many women are boring in bed. This is surprising, given that many of them have been with a ton of guys. You would think they would be highly skilled, just based on experience.

But no, sadly, many of them are dull in bed. Not all, but many. Now, I won’t claim to be a sexpert myself. I won’t be winning any awards for my bedroom skills. But I prepare; I get my mind right; I make an effort. And I can recognize a mediocre performance when I see one.

In case you’re thinking this is a reflection of my experience alone, no, it’s an opinion shared by many men, including many who are a lot more successful with women than I am. These men repeatedly say that most women are boring in bed. They lie spread-eagled on their back, a passive recipient — “pleasure me!” They have middling oral skills. They “get the job done” but give minimal effort. Some of them seem to think that just showing up naked is enough (this tends to be the more attractive ones). Hey, it helps, but some skills are required beyond just that.

Most women do not realize they are boring in bed, because no man has ever been honest with them about it. The men did not want to hurt their feelings or jeopardize their chances of future nookie, so they told the women they were great, and the women believed them. Why wouldn’t they?

To be sure, most men are probably boring in bed, too. I’ve heard many women say exactly that, and I have no reason to doubt them. But I’m speaking from a man’s perspective. From a man’s perspective, many women are dull in bed.

One reason I believe sex is overrated is that we buy into the idea that women are these sexual dynamos, full of potency and prowess. Truth is, many women are not that good at it.

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Sex Gets Old

Sex inevitably gets old. There’s the old saying, “For every beautiful woman, there’s a man tired of fucking her.” And the women are tired, too: 30% to 50% of women report little or no sex drive, according to USA Today.

After a couple of years, most couples get bored with each other sexually. On average, women get bored faster, but men aren’t far behind with the yawns. A small fraction of couples manage to retain the excitement for many years, but they are the exception. Sex with the same partner inevitably begins to feel familiar and routine.

About 20% of marriages are sexless. Even the ones having sex are not having it often — maybe once a week or once every other week. If sex were all that fantastic, they would be humping like rabbits.

It’s not just that sex with the same partner gets old. Sex itself gets old. After you’ve had sex a couple hundred times, you start to realize that sex is pretty much the same. I don’t mean the emotional or relational component of the experience is always the same. That depends on the woman. I mean the sexual act itself is pretty much the same from woman to woman. Sure, you’ve got different positions and ways to mix things up, but unless you want to break out the Kama Sutra, there is only so much you can do. Most sex falls within a fairly standard range. After you’ve done that stuff a hundred times with different women, you realize that, by and large, woman to woman, it isn’t all that different.

With experience, sex itself becomes less mysterious, more familiar; less exciting, more predictable.

Sex as a Devalued Currency

In our culture, sex is everywhere, and not in subtle form. I won’t run through the tiresome litany; you’ve heard it before many times. We live in a very sexualized culture. I’m not pining for the good old days, but a couple of generations ago, sex was hard to get, and promiscuity was shamed. Sex was a challenge. It meant something. There was a mystique to it. It was something special.

Now, women flaunt their “waps,” pride themselves on high body counts, and hand out sex like candy — at least to the men they find attractive. Not all women, but many. The hookup culture devalues sex, the same way flooding the market with a product lowers the perceived value of that product.

When sex is everywhere and cheap, it loses its mystique and power. It becomes commonplace, ordinary, even mundane. It loses its mystery and allure and much of its value. This is another reason why I say sex is overvalued. It has become cheapened. It doesn’t carry the meaning and significance that it used to.

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A Final Word to the Young Men

It gets better. When you’re in your 20s and 30s, your neurochemistry is like a voice screaming in your ear: “Have sex!” By the time you’re 40, the voice is down to a low roar. When you’re in your 50’s, it talks in a normal speaking voice. And when you cross the 60 mark, as I recently did, it turns to an occasional whisper, a polite suggestion.

So, take heart. Kow that as you get older, your biology will cool down, and as it does, sex will seem gradually less and less important. You will grow to understand that in your youth, you were a puppet of your hormones, a plaything of your neurochemistry. You will feel the puppeteer’s hand weaken; you will feel more and more free as time goes on. I am glad I am older. It’s a pleasure to not to be preoccupied with pleasure.

Don’t make sex more important than it is.

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