Does an LTR Support Your Values?

Have you ever wondered, “Does an LTR (a long-term romantic relationship) support my core values?  Does it support what matters most to me in life, or does it undermine it?” 

It’s a good question to ask. You want, I assume, to pursue things that are consistent with your deepest values and avoid the things that aren’t.

I’d like to share with you a simple process for determining whether an LTR serves your core values or undermines them. I call it a values analysis.  You may find it helpful or at least thought-provoking.

The process is simple.  It involves three steps:

1. Identify your core values.  

2. For each value, decide whether pursuing an LTR would support or undermine that value.

3. Tally the results and see whether, overall, an LTR serves your core values or undermines them.

Here are a few reasons to give it a try:

• The first step is highly beneficial, even apart from this exercise.  It will clarify your direction and purpose in life.  It will strengthen your sense of self and what you stand for.  It will remind you of what matters most.  It will help you get back on track when you stray.   

• The second and third steps will make you more confident and self-assured in your decision to remain a bachelor (assuming that is how your value analysis lines up).  You will better appreciate how how an LTR runs contrary to what is most important to you.        

• This will eliminate a lot of uncertainty and make you less susceptible to passing moods, fears of missing out, temptations, and wishful thinking.       

I’ll walk you through the steps, using my own values as an example. 

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Step One: Identify Your Core Values

Some of you may already know what your core values are. If so, you can jump to step two. If you don’t have a list of your core values, I encourage you to take a few minutes to develop one. It will have a host of benefits, which I mentioned above), particularly if you come back to the list periodically to review and update it. 

Here are a few questions to prompt your thinking:

• What matters most to you in life? 
• What is most important to you in life? 
• What sort of lifestyle do you want to live?  
• What makes you most fulfilled? 

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Step Two: Does an LTR support or undermine your core values?

For each core value, ask, “Would an LTR support or undermine this value?” 

To clarify, when I say “LTR,” I’m not just referring to the existence of a good LTR.  I’m using “LTR” as shorthand for all phases involved in the process – searching for a good partner, dating, building a relationship, and then maintaining it over time.  So, “LTR” refers not just to some ideal end state, but to the whole process, from beginning to end, with all the frustrations, failures, and reversals along the way.    

I’ll illustrate by using my own values. 

Note: You do not have to write the rationale out like I did below.  That would be time-consuming.  All you need to do is put a plus or a minus next to each value, to indicate whether an LTR supports or undermines it.  I wrote out my reasons because I wanted to show my thinking.  But writing your reasoning out isn’t necessary.  Keep it simple.  Just put a plus or minus. 

What follows is a list of my core values and whether I think an LTR would support or undermine them. You will of course have a different set of values, and your analysis will be different than mine.  I’m just using mine as an example. 

Learning and personal growth

An LTR undermines this value, because all of the time, energy, and attention required of an LTR cannot be spent on activities that promote learning and growth (e.g., reading, listening to podcasts, journaling, reflecting, etc.). 

Freedom and Independence 

LTRs undermine freedom and independence.  I think that’s a no-brainer.  I wrote a long piece about it last month, so I won’t belabor the point [link].   

Authenticity 

I think an LTR undermines authenticity.  It does this in a variety of ways.  For example:

1. The amount of attention required of an LTR will tend to detach you from self-awareness, which is required for authenticity. 
2. An LTR requires a range of compromises and accommodations, some of which will entail sacrifices in authenticity. 
3. In order to seek a relationship, you must (at least to some degree) pretzel yourself into a shape designed to appeal to women – in terms of dress, behavior, communicative style, etc. 
4. An LTR comes pre-packaged with a variety of scripted roles (e.g., protector, provider, source of emotional security) that run contrary to authenticity. 
5. Despite what some women claim they want (“emotionally vulnerable” men), you have to avoid disclosing certain thoughts and feelings, or else you will undermine the romantic-sexual component. 

Self-Care

An LTR undermines self-care, because all the energy and attention you pay to her and the Relationship depletes the amount you have to take care of yourself.  I’m not saying it’s impossible to care for yourself while in a relationship.  I’m just saying being in a relationship makes it harder. 

Physical Health 

I think this one is a wash.  I can see ways that an LTR might support physical health – for example, through encouragement or nagging.  But I can also see ways that it might undermine health – for example, through additional stress or dietary change.  Let’s call this one a draw.   

Mental Health

A good, well-functioning LTR can support mental health.  However, remember that “LTR” does not refer just to an ideal end state.  It refers to the whole process, from beginning to end, with all the reversals, frustrations, and failures along the way.  When you look at it that way, I believe an LTR undermines mental health. 

It introduces stresses, complications, and problems into your life that would not exist otherwise.  I can’t list all the potential problems and stresses in relationships, because it would take too long, but to name just a few: mood and anxiety problems, personality disorders, addictions, cheating and lying, manipulation, conflicts and breakups. 

I think mental health is undermined by the pursuit of an LTR.  At least mine is. 

Meaningful Work 

By “meaningful work,” I’m referring to projects that use my strengths and make a contribution to others, even in a small way.    

An LTR interferes with meaningful work, because it removes a large chunk of my time and energy.  That time and energy is now unavailable for meaningful work or other creative pursuits.   

Contentment/Peace of Mind

I mentioned earlier some of the problems entailed in LTRs – emotional issues, relational problems, stresses of all sorts, personality issues, addictions, ups and downs, breakups, etc.  You also have to consider the risks entailed in modern dating. 

If I consult my own experience, I see that I am happy during the early and limerence phases of a relationship, but then I experience increasing levels of discontent and discomfort after that.  When the relationship ends – almost always at my behest – I always sigh with relief to have my life back. 

I think some people are just designed to be happier and more content single, rather than coupled.  I’m one of them. 

Courage

LTRs undermine courage, because they do not ask much courage of you, apart from the courage to be honest occasionally about something that might incur disapproval.  Most relationships are cossetted, comfortable spaces.  Courage is a muscle that atrophies from disuse. 

Being a bachelor, on the other hand – or at least, doing it well – requires courage.  A bachelor has to figure life out for himself.  He can’t just default to standard scripts about how to live and behave.  He has to think life through independently. 

A bachelor also needs the courage to withstand social stigma and condescension related to his lifestyle choice (e.g., he is a man-child, selfish, can’t get a woman, etc.).  He has to deal with exclusion by married/couple people, pity from the same (“don’t worry, you’ll find someone”), and distorted messages from the media (e.g., creepy loner stereotype). 

He has to manage all this by himself, with little to no external support.  This requires courage.  And because courage is required, courage is built. 

Kindness

On the one hand, an LTR enables you to lavish a lot of kindness on a single individual.  However, doing so prevents you from expressing care toward everyone else.  After all, unless you are Mother Teresa or the Dali Lama (which I am certainly not), you don’t have a bottomless supply of care, kindness, and love in your heart.  When you invest so much of that energy into a single individual, you have less for everyone else.   

Overall, an LTR limits kindness. 

Friendship

An LTR consumes a lot of your social energy/interest.  As a result, you have less social energy/interest left over for other relationships.  In that sense, an LTR undermines friendship.  It makes it harder to invest the energy in maintaining and expanding friendships. 

There is a difference between introverts and extroverts here.  Extroverts want a full social calendar and dozens of friends.  That would leave me feeling drained and irritable.  I’m a big introvert.  I am fine with having two or three friends who I see occasionally.  I have a limited supply of social interest/energy.   

An LTR is a resource hog.  That impacts introverts more, simply because we have less social energy/interest to begin with.  It’s like I have 10 dollars in my social energy/interest account, and an LTR spends 8 of them.  It’s easy to deplete my account. So an LTR makes it harder to maintain current friendships and cultivate new ones. 

Simplicity

By “simplicity,” I’m referring to a simple, quiet, uncomplicated life.  I’m also referring to the financial component – minimalism, if you like. 

I think it’s pretty obvious that an LTR undermines simplicity.  Women and LTRs are expensive and tend toward the materialistic, image-conscious lifestyle.  Women and LTRs also come with a bunch of clutter — physical, emotional, and social – as well as complications. 

This is the opposite of a simple, quiet, uncomplicated life. 

Taking it easy 

An LTR undermines relaxation.  It introduces a host of stressors and problems that wouldn’t exist otherwise.  Do I need to list them?  Nah. 

That’s the process.  You would do the same thing for your own values, asking “Does an LTR support or undermine ___?”  Again, you don’t need to write out your reasons; just put a plus or minus next to each value. 

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Step Three: Assess

Now you just tally up the result.  Count the number of core values that an LTR supports, and count the number it undermines. 

Here is my tally: 

Number of values that an LTR supports:  0. 

Number of values that an LTR undermines: 12.

Number of draws: 1

That is a very definitive result.  An LTR undermines 12 out of 13 of my core values, and it supports none of them.  The best you can say for an LTR is that, in 1 case, it was a draw.

When I first did this exercise many years ago, it helped me quite a bit. I could see things starkly in black and white: an LTR undermines nearly everything that matters most to me in the world.  Why the hell would I pursue something like that?  Why would I want something in my life that undermines everything I value the most?   It gave me confidence that I was making the right choice and made me more resistant to fleeting emotional states. 

Of course, your analysis may come out differently.  Maybe you will have a mixed result, with half your values supported and the other half undermined.  Well, at least then, you know where your mixed feelings come from; you know the source of the ambivalence is in that value conflict.  That puts you in a better position to resolve the conflict or come to terms with it. 

Or perhaps you will discover that an LTR will support most of your values.  In which case, what are you doing here?  Go get thee an LTR!  And good luck to thee. 

A bit of nuance

I wanted to keep things simple, so I stuck to a simple tally: how many pluses and minuses. However, I need to admit, this is an oversimplification. A tally assumes that all the values are of equal importance. But in fact, some of your core values are more “core” than others. Some are absolutely indispensable, while others are less so.

Perhaps one or two values are so important that they tip the balance heavily in one direction, regardless of the arithmetic tally. For example, in my case, freedom, learning, and authenticity are such important values that they almost decide the question all by themselves. They weigh very heavily on the scale, whereas other values, such as courage or mental health, while important, do not weigh as much.

This is an important nuance to recognize. Not all values are equal. Some weigh more heavily on the scale than others.

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I’d be interested to know how other people answer this question.  Do you think an LTR supports or undermines your core values? How so? Also, if you walk through the process above, I’d be interested to hear about your results.