The more seriously you dedicate yourself to personal growth, the less likely you will find yourself in a good romantic relationship. I’ll explain why, but first let me clarify what I’m talking about.
By “personal growth” or “self-development,” I am referring to psychological, intellectual, and spiritual learning and growth. I’m not talking about building a career or muscles. I’m talking about internal development.
Secondly, I’m speaking about people who are seriously dedicated to self-development, not about those who occasionally dabble with it. That is because the effects are cumulative. The farther you go down the path, the more you will notice them.
To clarify, there is a U-shape curved involved. At first, personal growth brings you closer to women and romantic relationships. That was certainly true for me. I grew up in a dysfunctional home and didn’t get the best modeling for relationships. I did a lot of work focused on healing, and I learned a lot about myself, other people, and relationships. That enabled me to move much closer to women. I found it much easier to connect with them and establish reasonably good relationships with them.
However, I noticed a countervailing current, one that grew stronger over time. The more I continued to pursue personal growth — intellectually, psychologically, and then later spiritually – the farther it took me from romantic relationships.
By the way, I am not claiming there are no exceptions. I’m sure there are some. However, this has been true in my own experience, and I’ve heard it echoed many times by others on a similar path.
I thought it might be useful to discuss how this process happens. If you’ve been pursuing self-development, maybe you can relate. I am sharing this in the hope that it might help you better understand and accept what happens, or perhaps to anticipate it, if you are early on in the journey.
To put it simply, this process happens in two ways. As you grow and develop, you become less interested in them (women/relationships), and they become less interested in you. These are two sides of the same coin — the coin you pay in exchange for self-development. There are tradeoffs for everything. As Joseph Campbell said, the rule in life is “take what you want, and then pay for it.”
First Side
The first side of the coin is that, as you develop yourself (intellectually, psychologically, spiritually), you will find fewer women who are in synch with who you are, what you value, and how you live.
Most people, probably around 90%, live conventional lives. Most people live out the programming they received from their parents, peers, and society. They do not grow much beyond that. Their main concerns are belonging, fitting into the group, and carrying out their duties and obligations. They talk mostly about superficial things. (This may sound as if I am saying I am superior to them. I don’t mean it that way. I am just saying, this is how most people are.)
On the other hand, people like us, who are seriously dedicated to learning and personal growth, by definition live unconventional lives. We develop unconventional beliefs. We develop unusual interests, worldviews, and lifestyles. This is a natural part of the growth process. Growth entails differentiation from the parental and social matrix.
As you progress along the path, you will find fewer and fewer women appealing. Oh, sure, you still find them physically attractive and emotionally engaging on some level. That doesn’t change. But intellectually, psychologically, spiritually? As serious romantic life partners? No. As you grow further, the vast majority of women become rather dull to you. (I am not disparaging women; the same is true for most men, but I’m talking about romantic relationships.) They may be friendly, kind, intelligent people, but they just don’t interest you as serious romantic partners. There isn’t any real mutuality of interests, values, lifestyle, or beliefs.
To visualize this, you can picture a normal distribution, a bell curve. If you’re not a stats nerd, a normal distribution is how most human traits (e.g., IQ) are statistically distributed. Most of the cases cluster around an average value, and as you move outward from that average, you find fewer and fewer cases.
The bell curve in this analogy represents your pool of potential romantic partners. If you are in the mid-range and looking for a romantic partner, all is well. You have plenty of other conventional people to choose from. But if you have spent a lot of time learning and developing yourself, you are out toward the tail end of that distribution. Your pool of good matches is tiny. The longer you’ve been at the growth game, and the more lines of growth you pursue (intellectual, spiritual, psychological), the more this effect amplifies.
So, that is the first way growth predisposes to singlehood – the more you grow, the fewer women you will find appealing as serious romantic partners.
Flip Side
It cuts both ways, though. Here is the other side of the coin: the more you learn and grow, the fewer women will find you attractive as a romantic prospect.
I think this happens for a few different reasons. I’ll run through them briefly.
First, you and she just do not connect. She cannot relate to your beliefs, interests, values, and lifestyle. She has no mental peg on which to hang your hat.
Second, the more you develop, the less you care about cultivating the very qualities that attract most women – looks, wealth, image, status, power, conventional achievement, etc. This is a standard part of most psychological and spiritual development journeys – the farther you get along, the less those things matter to you. And as a result, the vast majority of women find you unattractive as a romantic partner.
The third factor is related to the last one. As you grow further, you will lose interest in playing standard male gender roles – you know, stoic tough guy, provider, protector, etc. Those roles feel inauthentic and constricting. Shucking off these roles makes you less appealing to most women.
Fourth, as you learn and grow, you will develop a wide array of other values, interests, and pursuits. These other values will compete with romantic relationships for time and attention. Although most men put romantic relationships at the center of their lives, along with work, you will tend to gradually dethrone or deprioritize romantic relationships in favor of these other interests. Since women want a man who highly values the relationship, this makes you less appealing as a partner.
So, then, as you pursue self-development – especially if you do it consistently, over many years, along multiple avenues – women will find you less appealing as a romantic partner. Personal growth is sort of like a magic potion that renders you invisible to women (at least as a romantic prospect).
Recap
So, to recap: the farther you progress along the path of intellectual, psychological, and spiritual growth, the less likely it is that you will find yourself in a good, solid romantic relationship. This is for two main reasons. One, you find fewer women appealing as romantic partners. And two, fewer women find you appealing.
What to do about this? Well, nothing, really. This is just the price you pay for serious self-development. It is built into the choice itself. The best you can do is to just accept it. Accept that this is the bargain, this is the tradeoff. If you can make peace with that, you will have a more contented life.
As your other posts, an interesting read. I’ve found myself agreeing with everything.
Still, one thought struck me as I was reading: wouldn’t it be possible to grow together, with people developmentally stimulating eachother? I always thought I was a rather smart cookie but have found that problems/questions I had been dealing with on my own for years, if not decades, were answered in a very short time by discussions with someone else. As I slapped myself on my forehead how I could have missed something so obvious.
I do get those discussions with some trusted family members, but was wondering that it would be nice if husband and wife could stimulate eachother in such a way. Ideally they would, I think.
As I was wondering it I thought to myself that I was now playing the devil’s advocate. Possibly.
And yes, one could get that stimulation from others than a wife. But ideally, your wife would know you better than everyone else would. As an atheist, the biblical quote ‘iron sharpeneth iron’ comes to mind.
(full disclosure: at nearly 50, always having been single and of a very rational nature, I’ve recently watched a romantic film and found myself yearning for something similar. I know, movies are not real, it’s just dreaming, etc., but still I was shocked to find it awakening such emotions/desires in myself.)
As said, I find myself agreeing wholeheartedly with you, despite what I wrote above.
Nemo, that’s a good question. Yes, I think it’s possible that two people can grow together. They would need to both be open-minded, diligent in working on their own issues, and accepting of each other’s direction, even when it takes them farther apart. There would also need to be a basic match in terms of values, worldview, and lifestyle, at least to begin. However, I think those partners are rare.
A second way that people can grow together is to do so along pre-established routes. For example, I know couples who have grown in their Christian faith together. That’s growth, but it is a limited one. Other possibilities and perspectives are out of bounds. As soon as one person steps outside the pre-established belief system, the waters get choppy.
The problems compound when you are growing not just in one direction (e.g., spiritual) but in others as well (e.g., psychologically, interpersonal, intellectual). The more directions you are growing, the more ways there are to diverge.
I’m turning 60 in March and this all resonates. I stepped out of a 14 year relationship 2 years ago and I’ve gone through the Red Pill Rage/hole and am emerging stronger and happier than I’ve ever been. Nemo, I try to stay away from those “romantic” movies/TV shows because I too get emotional. I just wanted a woman to love me, support me and be consistent–but as we know, these things drop off with time. I was all-in all the way in every relationship I’ve had. I recently took my first mushroom experience and realized that I do want touch, love and acceptance, but the price to pay is too much now. I really enjoy my time alone and with my dog who totally grounds me every day. Hiking, riding my bike, reading, composing music, talking with friends, enjoying the beach where I’m lucky enough to live–these are more than enough–most of the time. The sight of a beautiful woman still has the same tug as it did when I was 18, and I’ve had my share. Time is precious and the cost of searching for fleeting dopamine is too much and loses its power with every passing day….
Brian, congratulations on emerging from the hole and building a good life for yourself.
I don’t know if this has happened or will happen to you, but about a year after my divorce, I dove head-first into the dating pool. I wanted to experience relationships with other women. It was a temporary phase. I dated furiously for a couple of years, then I felt bored with it and stopped. I wanted my free time back. But this seemed to be something I had to get out of my system.
Your thoughts, as ever, ring true in my own life. Generally I feel as though I’m about 75% there to reaching the same conclusions, and then I read one of your pieces and it falls into place.
I too have noticed the dual loss of attraction factors – i.e. I have much less desire to get entangled with a woman and her baggage, and likewise when women see that I’m not “normal” (easy to manipulate and happy to play their social games) they move on. Up to a few years ago I couldn’t understand it, but now I do – women don’t really want amazing, thoughtful, intelligent, strong, handsome, powerful, skilled. They want to be able to control. I spent years thinking that I could make myself more attractive to women by becoming a better man, little knowing that it was exactly the wrong thing to do in that regard, but the best thing to do for myself.
On the possibility of personal growth while in a relationship, I’d think it would be possible if both people were young and stable – stable being rarer these days than ever before. Perhaps if one person was young it would still allow personal growth, but in my experience older men who manage to have young girlfriends are lechers in denial of their own mortality rather than “spiritually awakened” as they so often claim.
Many thanks for another good blog post. I appreciate them all – this blog got me through some dark months last year as I recuperated from my last relationship – going on to 2 years ago now. I’m definitely happier now than I ever was in a relationship and your writings provided the framework for understanding bachelorhood and appreciating my situation.
Thanks, Dampignak. I’m glad the blog has been helpful.
You said you thought women “don’t really want amazing, thoughtful, intelligent, strong, handsome, powerful, skilled men,” but instead “they want to be able to control.”
I think about it slightly differently. I think most women do want those things, but they want them aligned with their own purposes/values. For instance, they do want men who are “powerful,” but only if that power is a conventional sort — rising up in a career, gains in status/reputation, or creating a sense of physical and emotional safety. They want a man with power who uses it in ways that helps the woman achieve what she wants (e.g., building a family, raising kids). Nothing wrong with that; it’s natural.
On the other hand, if you are more interested in personal power, rather than the conventional sort I just mentioned, then things look very different. By “personal power,” I mean the power to make your own choices in life; the power to say No and do your own thing; the power to experiment and to move in whatever direction you want; the power to follow your interests wherever they go — in short, the power to freely be who you are. If that’s the kind of power we’re talking about, then most women will not be interested in you. Oh, maybe they’ll have sex with you, but they won’t choose you as a stable partner. You’re too unpredictable — too “uncontrollable,” as you might say. Women generally want safety and security in their partners, and a man like you (or me) is not a good bet in that regard.
That’s how I see it, anyhow.
Hi Edward,
You wrote: “They talk mostly about superficial things. (This may sound as if I am saying I am superior to them. I don’t mean it that way. I am just saying, this is how most people are.)”
I think: they do talk about 99.99% superficial things and if they talk something beyond superficial, they would never be able to comprehend what it is about anyway. Same goes for whole entirety of their lives. So, you are absolutely superior and there is no shame in hiding it.
You wrote: “What to do about this? Well, nothing, really. This is just the price you pay for serious self-development. It is built into the choice itself. The best you can do is to just accept it.”
I think: This is not even a price you pay, this is the thing that you want, and all this comes together with it, and there is absolutely nothing bad about it. You will have to deal less with all of this nonsense crap, honestly. It is a great filter that does a huge amount of work for you. No need even to consider all of this as “work”. Damn, this is just you and your life and you freaking feel meaningfully fulfilled and intrinsically happy. This really does not sound like work, but rather something that you wanted in the first place! 😀
The thing about physical appearance and us being drawn to it pisses me off quit a bit. I am still thinking maybe somehow it would be possible to “outgrow” it as well, comprehend it on such levels that it would render it absolutely useless and irrelevant to you. Sigh.
P.S. not hating on women, I am more than 100% sure that some girls would also have the same opinions about guys. So to speak, all this is gender neutral.
Very good post and keep them coming. I do think that this is an important voice to be heard in this mindless overly pretentious society full of ***.
Thanks for your comments, Alex.
I don’t think there’s any way to overcome the natural, hardwired physical and emotional attraction to beautiful women. That’s just part of our biology. It does calm down with age, thank goodness. I suppose the only way to overcome it is to see it for what it is, not to romanticize it, and remember that you are more than just your biology. Easier said than done when you’re in the midst of lust and limerence, though, to be sure.
As for “superiority” … Well, I think I’m superior to some people in some ways (e.g., intelligence, knowledge about certain subjects, independence), but I’m inferior to some people in other ways (e.g., public speaking, leading a team, social aptitude). I don’t consider myself superior to other people overall. I have strengths and weaknesses like anyone. I try to avoid getting an inflated ego. I was narcissistic earlier in my life, and that did not work out well. I had to learn humility. I still have to re-learn it occasionally.
I hear what you’re saying about “there is no price.” I do agree that the benefits greatly outweigh the costs (I wouldn’t be choosing this life otherwise), but I also think there are costs. I want to be honest about them, rather than rationalize them away. I’m not just talking about the loss of a lifelong romantic partner. I’m talking about (for instance) the loss of the easy companionship, comfort, cameraderie, and sense of belonging that more “normal” people share. Also, you will encounter struggles and difficulties that you would not have had otherwise. So in my view anyhow, there is a price to be paid. I’m willing to pay it, but I can understand why most other people are not.
Hi Edward,
A funny thing about beautiful women: I remember when I was at the age of around 10 years old, looking at my peers and thinking “why the heck are they all chasing these girls, who are so boring, absolutely not interesting and even quite oddly looking?”. Skip ahead a few years and I got “infected” with this as well. Very shameful speaking about it, haha.
I have read a few posts on your website now, because a lot of your ideas resonated with me quite a lot. I can conclude from reading those posts and looking through some of your comments (like you getting PhD in psychology [I am not 100% sure though, don’t throw any stones at me, pls]) that you are indeed an extraordinary person. It takes a huge amount of strength, willpower, mind, feelings, heart, you name it, to do what you have done. And, you know, this separates you from a huge number of people that live on the earth (I am not aware of people living somewhere else :D). Now, I am not saying, that people are bad (again, although, sometimes you really would want to say they are), but the more you become different from the group, the more different your ideas are going to be. And as Jordan B. Peterson (the super-cool psychologist from Canada) has mentioned in one of his lectures, “if you express your ideas someone sooner or later will feel offended, especially if you are talking to a large group of people” (a rough estimate of his words). Now, I guess what I am trying to say is, you can always try to be very polite and “nice” to someone, but that is possible only to the certain lengths, and further you would be constricting your own self (by, probably, again, trying to fit in). Sometimes, I feel, it is best to say the hard truth no matter who and to what extent will feel offended (because being offended in the first place is the responsibility of that own person). And I am very sure, that you are open to the critique and dialogue, meaning that you would not become some radical autocratic tyrant.
Maybe we have high expectations of our partners, with whom we could theoretically couple up? And I do not mean only women, but men also, because it is just as hard to find a good friend (a guy) as it is to find a good coupling-up-subject (a girl) [or vice versa depending on the person’s color scheme]. For me, personally, I am quite a lot more feeling than a lot of the women are (from the experience) and that kind of opens your eyes a little more (and closes them at the same time when you are idealizing…) as to seeing what kind of people they really are, which makes me feel scared.. sometimes a lot. However, I do still believe that this true unconditional love exist, and I mean it has to, right? The same human-dog love but even stronger, someone who could see you, what you do, why you do it, and appreciate all of it… As always, there are so many variables in these, and each case should be investigated in particular.
Maybe one last thing I wanted to say is, just like with everything in life, maybe we should just keep looking out and trying, and maybe, one day, miraculously a decent person will find your way to you (and you will find your way to them)?
I do have a lot of respect for you, and I really think that you are great, thank you for sharing all of your wisdom and thank you for talking to me too! 😀
Well, thanks, Alex. I appreciate you arguing for my superiority. 🙂 I still have to decline the trophy, though. I know myself too well. I have a lot of shortcomings. But thank you for the kind words.
You’re right that we can have unrealistic expectations for a partner. That can make it harder to find somebody.
On the other hand, as I get older, I have gotten pickier; my standards have gotten a lot clearer and tighter. Earlier in my life, I would settle for someone who was a bad fit, just to be in a relationship. I’m not willing to do that anymore. Unless someone is a good fit and really brings substantial value into my life without much downside, forget it.
Does true unconditional love exist? Yeah, I think so. Between a parent and a child. Between God, if he exists, and his creatures. Sometimes between a man and his dog. Occasionally, I think I see glimpses of it between older couples who’ve been together for decades. Even then, though, it’s still hard to know how unconditional the love really is (vs. being just comfortable companionship).
I can’t think of any instances where I’ve seen unconditional love in a romantic context, early in the relationship. There are always very obvious conditions on both sides, and the “love” is more often a desire for validation and acceptance.
Yes, I think it’s a good idea to keep looking, especially when you’re young. You have to give it a shot. Even if your romantic relationships don’t turn out well or last forever, they can still be good experiences. You can learn a lot from them and come away a better person.
Take care. Thanks for your comments.
Hello, I have been a lurker in here since a couple of months and your posts and your attitude in life really resonated with me specially coming from a man. Most of the web information on singlehood is related to women, r/singleandhappy is full of women and most of them do not seem to share the experience we have. In one post I remember reading various comments about women complaining that the will no longer have to “feed and maintain a man” and I politely pointed out that this happens irrespectively of gender. I have had the bad luck of doing the same for my past my past ex partners only to be voted down to oblivion.
Anyway, my question to your post mostly pertains to the nature of this “growth”, you mention psychological, intellectual and spiritual growth. What does each of those dimensions entail? I am 31M and would like to stay single for life and dedicate my life to things I love and care about deeply and grow as a person and as a human being. I am alone, meaning I dont have friends nor close family of any kind, but that is another topic. Maybe you can point it these dimensions to me?
Take care, you inspire me to keep going forward.
Hi, Hector. I definitely understand what you mean about the discussion of singlehood being dominated by women. The majority of the discussion is by women and for women. 90% of the people in most single discussion forums are women. There are some good, reasonable women in those groups, but there are also plenty of women who fall into one of these categories: 1) don’t like men, 2) have had lousy relationships with men, which they blame on men, 3) have bought into decades of man-despising feminist narratives, or 4) have no ability to tolerate perspectives other than their own — especially anything that is critical of women.
If you try to express your point of view as a man, you are likely to get dismissed, disparaged, laughed at, or argued with (unless you are super-diplomatic and tiptoe around their sensitivities). Most men with self-respect, unless they are modern feminists themselves, will probably leave those communities. They just aren’t healthy places for a single man to be.
Youtube has helped with this. You can now find plenty of discussions of the single life by men, for men. True, some of these groups suffer from some of the problems I mentioned above (men who dislike women, echo chambers), but at least we have some spaces to talk amongst ourselves now, rather than rely on spaces dominated by women.
To answer your question… Well, in a nutshell, by “psychological growth,” I’m referring to working out your own internal issues (e.g., anxiety), understanding yourself better (learning about strengths/weaknesses), learning how other people and relationships work, etc. By “spiritual growth,” I’m referring to the realm of values, meaning, and purpose, as well as your beliefs about the ultimate nature of reality (for instance, religious or spiritual beliefs). By “intellectual growth,” I mean topics like philosophy, history, nutrition/health, politics, or science — topics that help you to understand the broader world, how to think about it, how it works.
That’s a brief sketch, but I hope it helps. The learning/growth in all those areas is endless. You never figure it all out. You just keep plugging away, trying to learn a little bit here, a little bit there, and develop yourself over time.
I’m glad you find the blog helpful. Best wishes to you.
Hey Ed, thank you so much for your response and for clarifying it for me. Have a great one and enjoy your weekend. Keep us updated with new posts whenever you can, I am so glad to be part of this discussion. Take care.