We don’t get self-esteem by blowing ourselves kisses in the mirror. I tried; it doesn’t work. Building self-esteem (or “self-respect,” if you prefer) requires work, and it requires a certain kind of work, specific practices. I will describe two of those practices in this piece and three in the next.
These practices emerge not from my posterior but from decades of reading and experience, personal and professional. I will focus on the part we can control, so I will be skipping some potentially useful strategies, such as selecting good parents. If you missed the earlier entries in this series, check the menu above.
Face Anxiety, Don’t Avoid It
Here is the first principle: face anxiety-provoking situations (internal or external) rather than avoid them.
Inside, these anxiety-arousing threats appear as thoughts, feelings, or desires that stir discomfort or contradict how we want to see ourselves. For instance, maybe we feel anger, envy, or insecurity. Maybe we have an urge to kick a dog or hump a neighbor, or vice versa. Outside, these threats range anywhere from illness to rejection.
In each case, we have a choice of whether to face the threat or avoid it. And over time, that choice shapes our self-esteem.
By “facing,” I mean accepting the anxiety-provoking situation and dealing with it. By “avoiding,” I mean not just literal, physical avoidance, but any psychological defense that distorts the reality – for example, rationalizing, minimizing, blaming others, impression managing (pretending to be what garners approval and avoids disapproval), distraction, any dopamine-fueled addictive behavior, etc.
Intelligent Risk Assessment
One clarification, though. By encouraging you to “face anxiety,” I do not mean you should run down dark alleys at 2 a.m., waving your wallet around, shouting “I’ve got lots of money,” or accepting invitations to cage matches with ‘roided-out MMA fighters, or sticking your head into every open lion’s mouth you can find. Anxiety exists for a reason: to keep us in one piece. Sometimes, doubtless, avoidance is the better option. Not everything in life is about cultivating self-esteem. We are smart to avoid stepping in bear traps.
There is a big difference, though, between avoiding something because you have made a careful risk assessment and avoiding it because you’re just frightened and insecure. There is a difference between prudence and cowardice. And we know the difference.
For instance, you can see the difference in bachelors. Some choose the bachelor option calmly, after an intelligent cost/benefit analysis. Others chose it out of anxiety — anxiety about failure or not measuring up, anxiety about closeness. Only you know which is true for you. And you know the difference between these two motivations.
Why It Matters
Qualifications aside, though, let’s return to the main point: whether you face anxiety or avoid it matters greatly for self-esteem. Here is why.
You can think of self-esteem as the reputation you develop with yourself. As the result of observing ourselves in action, we develop a reputation with ourselves. We evaluate ourselves, based on our actions. We judge ourselves, every day. It’s no good saying, “But we shouldn’t judge ourselves! We should accept ourselves just the way we are!” We all judge ourselves; there is no getting around that. Yes, we can learn to judge ourselves fairly and mercifully, but we can’t avoid making appraisals of ourselves, based on what we see ourselves doing.
When we like what we see, we give ourselves good marks; we feel healthy pride. Over time, we develop a good reputation with ourselves. When we don’t like what we see, we give ourselves low marks; we feel smaller. Over time, we develop a poor reputation with ourselves. Based on our own assessment of our own behavior, we learn to see ourselves as strong or weak, good or bad, admirable or unworthy.
That is largely what self-esteem is – our own appraisal of ourselves.
When we face anxiety, that is an inherently satisfying choice. It connotes strength, courage, and resolve. Over time, as we continue to see ourselves act this way, our self-esteem (our reputation with ourselves) rises.
When we dodge threat, that is an inherently unsatisfying choice. It connotes weakness, motivation by fear, and lack of resolve. Over time, as we continue to behave this way, our self-esteem shrinks.
Here is the general principle, then: to build self-esteem, face anxiety-arousing situations (internal and external), rather than dodge them.
Suggestions
1. Monitor yourself
When you feel nervous, notice it. Notice how you react. Do you face the anxiety-provoking situation (internal or external), or do you avoid it? And notice how that choice impacts your self-respect.
Self-monitoring can help in several ways:
- it will make you more aware of the choice point
- it will make you more aware of your choices
- it will help you see the impact of those choices on self-respect, and because of that, it may motivate you to choose differently
2. Identify your avoidance patterns
Try to identify your favorite ways of avoiding anxiety-producing situations, internal and external. This can be tricky, because it requires introspection, humility, and self-honesty. If you can manage it, though, you put yourself in a good position to intervene — to override the avoidance and choose a stronger response instead. If you can’t, then you remain in the dark, continuing to enact the same old avoidance patterns, protecting your ego and undermining your self-respect.
To help identify your avoidance, here are some questions to ask yourself:
- What sort of things make you anxious on the inside? What sort of thoughts, feelings, or desires make me uncomfortable to acknowledge to yourself? When these things come up, how do you react? Do you try to brush it away, deny or minimize , rationalize, distract yourself, or avoid it in some other way?
- What sort of external situations make you nervous? These could be occupational issues, like problems finding a job or managing your work. They could be interpersonal risks, like conflict, disapproval, or rejection. When these anxiety-provoking situations occur, how do you deal with them?
- When you are uncomfortable around other people, how do you try to gain their approval or avoid disapproval?
4. What sort of dopamine-fueled activities do you use to escape discomfort or tension?
You could also look through a list of common defenses. Here is one example:
https://www.verywellmind.com/defense-mechanisms-2795960
We are endlessly creative in the ways we avoid, so that is just a small sample. The general idea, though, is to identify your favorite avoidance strategies.
3. Override
Once you’ve identified your favorite ways of avoiding, see if you can catch yourself in the act and override the impulse to avoid. Then, see if you can choose to face the anxiety-provoking situation instead.
For example, let’s say you identify intellectualization as a favorite way of avoiding. When you get anxious, you “get in your head” and you cogitate as a way of avoiding the feeling of anxiety. Since this is a favorite strategy, you will probably not lack opportunities to spot it, and you should be able to recognize it when it happens.
This is helpful in itself, because it becomes harder to avoid when you clearly recognize that is what you are doing. It spoils the game you’re playing on yourself. Label it — “oh, I’m intellectualizing” — and then try to put that aside. Get out of your head, and let yourself just feel anxious (which is what you’re avoiding). That’s it. That’s facing the threat, rather than avoiding it.
If you can do this repeatedly — catch yourself in the act, override the avoidance and face the thing instead — your self-respect will grow. That happens for a very simple reason. You see yourself behaving in strong, admirable ways, rather than acting like a weenie. You develop a better reputation with yourself, based on real evidence.
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If you’d like to do some reading on the subject, check out Self-Esteem: Paradoxes and Innovations in Clinical Theory and Practice, by Richard Bednar. The book is written for a clinical audience, but it is readable, and it contains a good discussion of this dynamic.
Develop a Good Relationship with Yourself
You see that dude in the mirror? He is your main companion for the rest of your life. You are stuck with him 24/7, until the day you die. Damn! Wherever you go, there he is. No escaping him. If your relationship with him is crappy, so will your life together be.
In addition, you also need a good internal relationship because your need for external care is inversely proportional to the quality of your internal care. If you are an eternal bachelor like me, your internal relationship has to compensate for what you have “given up” on the outside — marriage, cohabitation, and other committed, long-term relationships with women. If your internal relationship is lousy, you will feel sad and lonely. You will need and crave other people — principally, women – to fill the hole inside.
I don’t mean that you should aspire to be an island unto yourself. We all need others’ support. But if you lack a good internal relationship, you will need and crave external care, and you will hurt for the lack of it. If you want to live a good bachelor life, you must cultivate a good relationship with yourself.
For some reason, this topic doesn’t get much attention in men’s discussions. Maybe it’s because “relationship with self” can sound a little squishy or touchy feely. Maybe it’s because men prefer to focus on doing stuff in the external world (e.g., achievement) rather than doing in the internal one.
Whatever the reason, it’s unfortunate, because this subject is essential to living a happy bachelor life. No amount of external achievement can make up for a lousy internal relationship. The list of externally successful men who have killed themselves is a long one.
Suggestions:
1. Go Easy on Yourself
In my experience, most people are just too hard on themselves. Cut yourself some slack. Life is hard. You need to be on your own side. Be kind to yourself.
2. Use External Models
All this talk of “good relationship with self” can sound a little foggy. To put some bones on it, think in terms of a good external relationship. Picture the following relationships, for example:
- The relationship between a wise elder and a valued protégé.
- The relationship between a loving father and his son.
- The relationship between two close friends.
Use those as models for your internal relationship. Think about how those people – the wise elder, the father, the friend – would treat the other. And then endeavor to treat yourself that same way. Extend that same kindness, consideration, respect, and care to yourself. Treat yourself the way you would a respected pupil, a beloved son, or a close friend.
3. Look for Ways to Improve the Relationship
In some ways, the internal relationship is no different than an external one: it requires time, attention, and effort. Ask yourself the following questions, and look for areas where you might improve.
- What is my attitude toward myself? For example, am I patient or impatient? Critical or accepting?
- Am I kind to myself?
- Do I encourage myself to get better, or do I indulge my weaknesses?
- Do I take time to “check in” and listen to myself, or do I ignore myself?
- Do I take care of myself (physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually) or do I neglect myself?
If you identify areas where you could improve, come up with a plan to improve them. I will leave the planning to you. Results will be proportional to your effort and persistence.
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That’s it for now. Hope that was helpful or at least a good reminder of things you already know. I welcome any comments or questions. I’ll cover two other principles next time.