Independence

Psychological independence is a cornerstone of a good single life, but we don’t hear much about it.  Oh, we get memes, one-liners, and slogans – be yourself, chart your own course, go your own way, maintain frame, be your own mental point of origin, etc.  But that’s about as far as it goes.  There is very little in-depth discussion of independence – what it is, where it comes from, how to develop it. 

That is unfortunate, because, in my experience, independence is an absolutely essential ingredient in a satisfying bachelor life.  I’ll make that case shortly. 

First, I need to clarify what I mean by “independence.”  I am referring to the internal psychological capacity, not to outward manifestations like economic, political, or financial independence.  The latter forms are important, but I’m talking here about the former: psychological independence.  Other words that touch on the same idea: autonomy, differentiation, individuation, inner direction, self-reliance, and self-direction.  Nietzsche called it “a wheel rolling out of its own center.”   

Why is Independence Important? 

Because without it, you are jelly poured into a mold designed by someone else.  Without it, your thoughts, feelings, and decisions take the shape laid down by others – the media, parents, peers, the news, “experts,” advertisements, tradition, social movements, the culture at large.  You live out a script written by others. 

Independence means writing your own script. Above all, it means thinking for yourself – not just in the realm of facts, but in the realm of values.  Many people are able to function independently with facts, but not with values. 

Independence means deciding your beliefs and values for yourself, and then guiding your own course as best you can, while taking responsibility.  

Easier said than done, of course. Achieving independence requires taking risks and doing a lot of work. Which is why most people avoid it, and they just default to running the usual programs.  

Independence is essential for anyone trying to live a good life, but it is especially crucial for bachelors.  

Society has plans for you.  For example, society has a long list of instructions about what it means to be a man, and a good man — how you should be and behave, what you should believe and pursue. What your life is about.

These scripts, of course, are not written for your benefit, but for the benefit of society. Society has a need for men to do certain things (e.g., fight in wars) for it to succeed. That’s what the scripts are — they designate the way you serve society.

It’s not just “good man” scripts, of course. Men get indoctrinated with scripts about all sorts of things — relationships, women, success, dating, marriage, money….

Unless you can spot these these programs/scripts, think critically about them, and then step outside them — unless you can exercise psychological independence — you are destined to just live out the script. Although some of these programs may have worked okay for some men in the past, many of them are quite dangerous and debilitating for men. I’ll go into detail about that in the future.

If you are a bachelor, you need independence. Without it, you are at the mercy of pre-scripted programs about who you are, what your purpose in life is, how you are supposed to think and feel and act — towards women, toward the issue of commitment, toward relationships and marriage. Without independence, you are going to be a puppet on a string.

That was the main reason bachelors need independence. Here is a smaller reason. Without independence, you will be prone to loneliness. Independence entails building a good relationship with yourself.  I’ll say more about that in the future, but the idea for now is that the more self-care/support you can generate internally, the less you’ll need it coming from the outside.

Likewise, the less independent (self-caring) you are, the more you will yearn for external support, which of course men look to from women. So you will be more prone to loneliness. You’ll yearn for a woman to fill that emotional void.

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So, that’s why independence is an important virtue for bachelors. 

In addition, beyond just bachelorhood, independence has broader implications for your whole life.  For instance,    

If you lack independence, it will mean:

• You do not live your own life.
• You lose contact with your depths.
• You become easy to control and manipulate.
• You lose respect for yourself.
• You will be at the mercy of a thousand bad ideas, not just about men, women, and relationships, but about health and nutrition, politics and social causes, money and success, science and truth, the nature of happiness, even the nature of reality itself.         
• You waste your life.  You may well climb the ladder of “success” and discover too late that the ladder was leaning against the wrong wall. 
• You never find your real meaning and purpose.
• You never become who you are.  Your real self remains stillborn or at best developmentally delayed. 

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As anyone who’s attained a measure of independence will tell you, it does not come easy.  Building independence – real independence, not a sham version – is a struggle.  It takes time and work. There are plenty of obstacles to overcome, both internal and external.  There are demons to slay.  There is a price to be paid, and it isn’t cheap.  Independence does not come easy, and it does not come for free.   

Independence is easy to fake but not so easy to achieve.  Let me flesh out the concept a little.      

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Independence:  What it is and Isn’t

I want us to be clear what we are talking about, when we say “independent.”  I also want us to be clear what we are not talking about. There are imposters.

Fundamentally, independence means you think for yourself, you judge things for yourself.  You trust your thinking and judgment. Although you may seek input from others, ultimately it’s your call.

An independent man is confident in his ability to face and deal with reality on his own. A dependent man, by contrast, looks externally for guidance and direction. He looks to the culture, peers, family, and the media to tell him how to be and what to believe.

Basically, independence is about your center of gravity.  For a dependent man, the center of gravity is external – in what other people or society say.  For the independent man, the center of gravity is internal – in what he thinks, feels, wants, and values.  Although he is open to others’ perspectives, he sees the world through his own eyes, not through the eyes of others or society.   

You can see the differences clearly in the interpersonal realm. A dependent man will play it safe, adhere to conventional roles, say what he is “supposed to” say, seek approval, avoid disapproval. He presents a overly and unrealistically positive image of himself to others, which he would like to believe and hopes you believe, too. He avoids conflict and disagreement and generally takes on the color of the environment or peer group around him.

An independent man, by contrast, presents himself authentically and honestly. He does not shape himself based on desire for approval or fears of disapproval. He has experienced enough disapproval to know that it is a paper tiger. Although he does not seek disagreement or conflict, he does not avoid it, either (unless he deems that to be in his best interest). He asserts his position and holds to it, without defensiveness, without needing others to agree. 

That is a brief portrait, just the broad outlines. I’ll flesh it out more in the future. But let me clarify what independence is not. 

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What Independence is Not

Independence is not emotional detachment from others, walled-off “self-sufficiency.”  That is counter-dependence – a denial of normal needs for attachment and connection.  Some have more of a need for this, and some less, but everyone has some need for connection with others. It’s just part of being human. 

The counter-dependent person – and I was like this when I was a teenager and into my 20s – denies those needs.  He acts as if he does not need other people.  He keeps emotional distance from them.  He takes pride in his “independence,” but such independence is based on self-deception. 

Underneath, the counter-dependent is frightened of his normal needs for connection.  He finds them threatening. In my case, I thought those needs made me “weak,” and operating outside them made me “strong.” If I were honest with myself, I would admit that they made me feel too exposed, too much at the mercy of other people. 

Whatever the fears, though, counter-dependence is a counterfeit.  It may look like independence on the surface, but it is pseudo-independence, not the real deal.  It is a defense based on denial and self-deception. 

Genuine independence requires autonomous functioning in the presence of others, while connected to others.  For instance, if you are living off the grid in a cabin in the woods, chances are you are not independent; you are just cut off. 

Emerson touched on this:

It is easy in the world to live after the world’s opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.

Raplh waldo emerson

Substitute “independent” for “great” in that quote, and you get the idea. 

That covers the basics about independence — what it is, and why it is important, especially for men who want to live a good bachelor life.

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Developing Independence

I know men like the “actionable item” stuff, so before I wrap up, I’ll offer an idea about developing independence.  This is just one idea. I’ll be sharing more in the future.   

Remember the old cliché about the “still, quiet voice” inside?  That’s not just a spiritual idea; it’s a psychological truth.  In order to hear what you think, you’ve got to cut down the external noise. 

Thoreau is outdated.  Men don’t live lives of quiet desperation anymore.  They live lives of noisy distraction.  You know the list:  cell phones, TV, Netflix, Youtube, browsing the internet, other people yapping, the news, music, games, Facebook, social media of all types.  All of this noise and information, coming at you from the external world.  It’s not just “coming at you,” of course.  You actively seek it out.     

This is entertaining and stimulating, but it comes with a big downside.  It cripples your independence.  Why?  Because if you are spending all your time and attention (which are limited resources) on external inputs, you cannot spend them on internal signals arising from within.    

It is a simple idea:  turn down the volume on the external inputs and turn up the volume on internal signals.  Fundamentals are often simple. 

It is simple to implement, too (at least, simple in principle).  Reduce the amount of time and energy you give to all those things listed earlier.  Spend some of that time and energy attending to yourself.  Spend quiet time alone, just sitting quietly without distractions.  See what happens. 

It’s easy to neglect this sort of practice, in a culture where distractions are ubiquitous and teams of highly paid “attention engineers” are paid handsomely to grab and hold your attention (your time and energy).  You have to shake some of that off, if you want to develop independence.  Independence depends on a good internal connection, on knowing who we really are — what we really think, feel, prefer, want, value. 

So, turn down the volume on all that external noise.  Tend to your own garden. 

There are, broadly speaking, two ways to approach this quiet alonetime.  The first is just free-floating awareness.  You just relax and let whatever thoughts and feelings you have bubble up.  You aren’t deliberating on anything or trying to figure anything out.  You’re just relaxing and letting things percolate to the surface. 

The other way is a more deliberative, analytical approach, where you reflect on particular questions and try to come up with answers.  For instance, you might ask yourself what is going well in your life and what is not going so well.  You might think about how to improve the latter.  You might ask yourself how to deal with a thorny issue you’re facing.  You might set goals or plan for the future.   You would choose whatever questions seem relevant to you.  Maybe keep a pad handy, in case you want to write something down. 

Either approach is fine.  You might try both and see which one you like best.  You may alternate.  Or you may come up with something entirely different.  Whatever fits for you. 

The point isn’t to achieve a particular outcome.  The goal is the process, not the outcome.  The outcome can be interesting sometimes, but the main goal is to just engage in this practice – turn down the external inputs, turn up the internal signals. 

I’m not saying this will produce profound results overnight, but over time, it will make a difference.  You will develop greater independence. 

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I’ll have more to say about independence in the future. I just wanted to lay out the basics here — what independence is and why it matters.

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