Introduction

Welcome to the blog.  I’d like to introduce myself, then say a few words about the blog. 

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Who Is This Guy, Anyway?

I’m a 59-year-old man who prefers the bachelor life. Although I’ve been married and had maybe a dozen girlfriends, I’ve spent probably 80% of my adult life single, and I like it that way. I love the freedom, the spaciousness, the peace, the learning opportunities, and the ability to chart my own course — all parts of a single life.

I should pause to clarify that when I say “single” or “bachelor” life, I am referring to a life without significant sexual-romantic relationships. That’s important, because there are different types of “single” people, and many of them do not want to be single. They dislike being single — they want to find someone to hook up with or get into a relationship with. If you search for “single” sites, you will find that most of them cater to people who are single but want to be dating or in a relationship.

That’s not me, and that’s not how I’m using the word “bachelor” or “single.” I am using the word to mean a person who does not want, and is not seeking, a serious, long-term sexual-romantic relationship. I’m talking about a person who prefers to live without such attachments. Some have called this living in “monk mode.” I’ve been living in monk mode for 13 or 14 years. I’m talking about men who are living that sort of lifestyle.

To give a little more background, I was married for 3 or 4 years, about 20 years ago.  I was a fool in love, but I learned very quickly that marriage was not for me.  I remember the feeling I had, very clearly: “This is not my life. This is someone else’s life.”  After the honeymoon period passed, I became increasingly miserable. My spirit was shriveling up. There is more to the story, but I’ll leave it there for now. I initiated a divorce.

About a year after the divorce, I dated furiously for about 18 months.  Then suddenly, I stopped.  All the dating, mating, and relating didn’t seem worth the trouble.  I wanted my free time back. I wanted to do other things.  

That was 13 or 14 years ago, and I haven’t dated since then (except once).  I haven’t been in a sexual-romantic relationship since.  And I like it that way.

To clarify a potential misunderstanding (e.g., “incel”), my singlehood is entirely by choice. I am not ruggedly handsome by any means; I have average looks. But I relate pretty well to women. I have social and emotional intelligence. I’ve had a successful professional career. When I’ve dated and been in relationships with women, nearly all of them have wanted to continue; I have almost always been the one to call it off. I’m sure that if I wanted to be in a relationship, I could be. I just don’t want to be.

That’s not to say that I don’t occasionally get the impulse to date, or at least check out the dating market. Over the past decade, I’ve joined dating sites a dozen times. However, each time, the same pattern repeats itself. I have an initial period of motivation, followed by complete loss of interest within two weeks. I then bail out and return gratefully to my single life.

I enjoy living single. I can honestly say that I have never been happier, healthier, and more content with my life.

But I would be lying, if I said that came easily. It didn’t. It took effort, struggle, suffering, learning. I had a lot of insecurities when I was younger, and it took me a while to work that shit through. I also had to throw off a lot of social programming (e.g., around relationships, women, men’s role, etc.). That took a lot of effort, over a lot of years — not just to get it intellectually, but to really internalize it on a gut level.

Achieving a happy, satisfying single life is exactly that — an achievement.  It does not come naturally (or at least, it did not for me). There have been plenty of challenges, both internal and external.

That’s a bit about me. Let me turn to the blog.

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Framework for the Blog

I’ll make a few points about the nature of the blog, so you have an idea what to expect.

The Focus is on Living a More Satisfying Single Life 

The focus will be on living a contented, satisfied life as a bachelor.

As I mentioned above, when I say “single” or “bachelor,” I am referring to men who like their single status — men who prefer flying solo, absent a serious, long-term sexual-romantic relationship.  They are not chasing women. Their priorities and interests are elsewhere.

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I Am Speaking Primarily to Men 

I pondered whether I should straddle the gender fence, speaking to both single men and women.  I figured maybe I could speak to single women, too, since a lot of what I’ll say will apply to them as much as men. But I rejected that idea, for several reasons. 

First, straddling gender fences is hard on the private parts, literally and figuratively. I’m a man (last time I checked), so I can more easily speak from that perspective.  Also, I’ve been living life as a contented bachelor for many years, so I’m in a good position to speak about that. I am not well-equipped, though, to talk about issues from a female perspective. And there are plenty of men and women doing that already.

Which leads me to my second reason, which is that there is no shortage of support for single women. You can see it in the news media, movies, literature, politics, advertisements, and websites. For example, literature on the single life is overwhelmingly focused on the perspective and concerns of single women.  That is the primary market.

In contrast, there is very little focus on single men. Even the little you do see is mostly focused on dating strategies, tips to foster attraction, and so forth. Men who are bachelors (in the sense that I am using the term) are underrepresented, to say the least. In some areas (e.g., MGTOW), their perspectives are being actively censored and silenced.  

A third reason is that men are struggling and need help. The media is generally indifferent to this, and when they do deign to give it a bit of attention, the tone is almost always blaming, ridiculing, or even celebratory. Men get a lot of messages from the culture that they are toxic, immature, and do not measure up to standards of women or society. They do not get much understanding or support.

So for these reasons, I will be speaking primarily to men.      

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I Am Not Going to Trash Women  

I have no anger or resentment towards women.  My experiences with women have, for the most part, been positive. In general, I like women.  I have had plenty of good relationships with them — as colleagues, friends, neighbors, family members. I just don’t have sexual-romantic relationships with them, that’s all.  You could say, I don’t have any axe to grind against women, and I don’t have any pelvis to grind against them, either.  

I am well aware that a lot of men have had very damaging experiences with women, and they’ve been left hurt, angry, and mistrustful. I have heard endless stories of divorce rape, unfair child custody arrangements, ridiculous child support payment requirements, rampant cheating, and all form of abuse.  I have empathy for those men.

I am fortunate that I don’t have a similar history. Sure, I’ve had some disappointing relationships, but no woman ever really fucked me over, and any problems were just as much mine as hers. I don’t have any serious baggage — no lingering trauma, resentment, anger, or mistrust. It’s water under an ancient bridge.

There is a lot of negativity in this space, on both sides of the gender aisle.  “Men bad, women good” has been the dominant narrative for a couple of decades, but you’re hearing more “women bad, men good” lately, the predictable counter-response.  

Both positions are crude and stupid.  However, they are also quite popular, for a simple reason — they feel good; they are reinforcing.  It is an ego boost to view the other gender as defective. It boosts your self-esteem, because it means you belong to the superior gender. Plus, it saves cognitive effort. You don’t have to really think about anything. You just slot people into one of two categories based on their genitals and move on.

I am going to stay far away from “women bad” and other polarized nonsense. 

Fundamentally, I see women as people. They are individuals.  Some are awesome; most are average; some are awful. As Martin Luther King said, “Judge people by the content of their character, not by the content of their underwear.” At least I think that’s what he said.

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I Will Keep It Reasonably Positive. 

It’s easy to focus on the negatives. Our brain has a built-in bias for negativity. The negative, nasty stuff attracts attention in a way that positive stuff just doesn’t. And there is no shortage of negativity, if you look for it. It would be very easy to create another space focused on the worst examples of female behavior, the most egregious examples of legal misjustice, all the problems with modern dating, etc. There is a lot of low-hanging fruit.

I’m not saying these things should be ignored, but focusing repeatedly on the negatives has a downside. It can lead to a depressive and cynical outlook. It can impair the ability to relate to women in a healthy, flexible way. It eats up a lot of mental energy that could be better directed.

So, I’ll try to keep things reasonably positive. That’s not to say I’ll avoid the negative. The negative is part of the conversation. For instance, there are a lot of of risks and costs associated with coupling, which men need to know about. And recognizing the negative aspects of coupledom helps you better appreciate your singlehood. In addition, there are downsides to bachelorhood, too, and we need to talk about those as well.

But, in general, I’ll try to keep things relatively positive and constructive. I’ll also try to keep it light, rather than heavy and serious. I want to enjoy the process of writing, and I want you to enjoy the process of reading. That can’t happen if we get too Heavy and Serious.

I’m a fairly serious guy by nature, a critical thinker, sometimes cynical, so no guarantees, but that is my goal — to keep things reasonably positive and light.

No Guru

One final thing I’d like to say: I am no guru.  One of the things I learned a while back is that no one is really a guru. Be suspicious of anyone who presents themselves that way. We are all just fumbling along, making our way as best we can, with limited understanding. None of us has all the answers.

Yes, I have some knowledge and experience in living a satisfied bachelor life, but I’m expert. I have plenty of shortcomings and blind spots. And what works for me may be a complete misfit for you.

I am not a guru, dispensing advice from on-high. I am a fellow traveler on the path, that’s all.   I may be farther down the path (or, my path) in some ways, but I am no doubt lagging in other ways. I’ve had plenty of stumbles and bumbles along the way.

What’s that old saying?  “If you see Buddha on the road, kill him”?  Well, don’t shoot.  I’m no guru.  I’m just a fellow traveler, sharing his thoughts and experience.  

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Ok, that is a bit about me and the blog.

My overall goals are to enjoy the process, put my ideas out there, and maybe help some men find their way to a more satisfying bachelor life.