Retirement and the Single Man

I’m 62, been retired for 5 years and a committed bachelor for 15. In my view, retirement holds a special appeal for the single man, and it also entails several challenges.  I want to describe those and offer some suggestions.  I won’t cover the financial aspects of retirement. Plenty of people are doing that already. I want to look at the more psychological, social, and philosophical aspects.

To lay it out briefly, I think that the special appeal of retirement consists of freedom, and the unique challenges relate to filling the time, social life, meaning/purpose, and aging alone.

Freedom

For the single man, one word sums up the appeal of retirement: freedom.  Naturally, freedom appeals to married and perpetually coupled men as well. However, I think it holds a special appeal for the man who is single (not in a long-term relationship) by choice. 

Before we go further, I’d better clarify – “by choice” is the key phrase there.  Roughly half of single men are single by choice – that is, single because they enjoy being single, and they aren’t looking for a relationship. The other half are what I’d call involuntarily or temporarily single – single but looking, single until they can find the right partner, single as a temporary rest stop between relationships.  

I’m talking mostly about men in the former camp – the ones who are single by choice. For them, I think retirement holds a special appeal.  It is part of why they are single in the first place.  Marriage, after all, does require plenty of tradeoffs, in terms of freedom and autonomy.  Most people value freedom and autonomy, but some people value them more highly than others do (just as some people value connection and family life more highly than others).  If you look at the single by choice crowd, you will find a lot of men who put freedom and autonomy high on their list of values. As a result, the freedom of retirement calls to them more strongly.  

What sort of freedom am I talking about?  Retirement means freedom from “wage slavery” – freedom from having to work, from having to go to a job in order to support yourself.  Freedom from having to work at tasks assigned to you by others, the system, or clients. Retirement means free time.  Your time becomes your own, to spend however you like, rather than being constrained to spend it on tasks required to earn a paycheck.  Retirement means the freedom to relax and be your real self, rather than conform to the role required by your career. Retirement means freedom from all the downsides, stresses, and sordid misery of the workplace – deadline pressures, foolish bosses, annoying colleagues, office politics, endless meetings, mind-numbing paperwork, unreasonable expectations, and so on.  You are free from all of that. You are free to do whatever you like.    

As I say, that freedom appeals to a lot of people, not just single men. But I suspect men who are single by choice are especially drawn to it, because freedom and autonomy are such high priorities for them. That has certainly been the case for me. I enjoyed my career, for the most part. I found it intellectually stimulating and interpersonally enriching. But I still did retirement planning from the start and had early retirement as a goal all along – simply because, although I liked my work, I liked freedom better, and I had plenty of other things I would rather do. I’ve been retired 5 years now, and I love the freedom of it. It never gets old.

 

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The Challenges of Retirement

However, retirement is not all roses for the single man. It poses four unique challenges:  time, meaning, social life, and aging alone.  Let me say a bit about each, with some suggestions (except for aging alone, about which I don’t have much to say).

What Do I Do with All This Free Time?

When you are retired, you have every day to yourself.  Every day – day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year.  If you are single, there is no one but you to structure that time.  There is no wife or kids to “help” you decide what to do with your time.  You don’t have those commitments or responsibilities.  However, you do have the responsibility of deciding how to spend your time. 

That’s not a bad thing.  I don’t mean to make it sound onerous.  I find it fun, because the field of possibility is so open.  But it is a challenge, and you should be prepared for it.  

The problem I see most often is that a man has worked hard his whole life, but he has not developed many interests or hobbies outside of his work.  He comes home exhausted and flops on the couch, watches TV.  You might think that after retirement, he will have the time and energy to develop hobbies and interests, but that usually isn’t the case.  If you’ve gone your whole life without many hobbies or interests outside of work, it’s unlikely that you are going to develop them in retirement. 

So my first tip is start now, while you are working, to develop hobbies and interests outside of work.  Don’t tell yourself that you’ll get to it once you’re retired.  Chances are you won’t.  As a general rule, people don’t undergo huge lifestyle changes when they retire.  They usually just do more of what they were already doing.  They may start a few new activities – pickleball or taking art classes or whatever – but they don’t undergo big changes.  So get a good slate of hobbies and interests up and running well before retirement. 

I haven’t had trouble filling the time.  I’ve actually been surprised at how “busy” I’ve been in retirement.  I don’t mean I’m rushed or pressured, just that I have no shortage of things to do.  

It’s worth appreciating that we live in probably the best era there is to be a single man.  There are a ton of good books to read, good TV and movies to watch, and videogames to play; there are plenty of solitary (or social) hobbies and interests to engage your mind; and the internet is full of interesting discussions and like-minded people if you can’t find them locally.  It’s not like the old days when, if you didn’t have a family to keep you occupied, you didn’t have many options.  It’s a good time to be single. 

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Meaning and Purpose

The second challenge relates to meaning or purpose in life.  This one goes a little deeper than just filling time.  After all, you can fill your time eating potato chips and watching reruns of the Price is Right until you drop dead, but that’s not what I’d call a successful retirement.  Most people need to feel like their life has some kind of meaning or purpose, that it matters somehow. 

For the single man, this presents a challenge, because he cannot rely on the traditional sources of meaning and purpose that most men, historically, have invested their lives in – namely, women and children.  With work in the rear view mirror, he can’t rely on that, either. 

The single man needs to find alternative sources of meaning and purpose.  I don’t think married guys have that same challenge.  In a way, their meaning and purpose have already been set.  For the retired bachelor, though, the question is more open. 

I don’t mean to make it sound daunting.  It’s not that difficult once you put your mind to it.

You may be thinking, “All this talk of meaning and purpose sounds pretty serious and heavy. Isn’t retirement supposed to be fun?” Yes, it is. Retirement is supposed to be enjoyable and relaxing. It’s not supposed to feel like work, like a grind. Admittedly, all this talk about “meaning and purpose” can sound like a lot of work. 

So let me iron that out. I spend a large portion of my day just farting around – entertaining myself, piddling around with various things, relaxing. Don’t get the wrong idea. I’m not Mr. Meaning, striding Purposefully through his day, facing the wind that billows his cape.  Not even close. I just got up from a nap.   

I think the words “meaning” and “purpose” throw some people, because they sound too big. They make it sound like you’re supposed to find the Meaning of Life or your One True Purpose. They make it sound like you should be painting a masterpiece, curing cancer, saving the whales, or giving your all for some great cause. 

I don’t want to do that. I am like most retired people – I want to take it easy and enjoy myself. I worked hard my whole life. I’m done working hard. I want to relax.

However … however … I wouldn’t be happy if all I did was entertain myself and take it easy. I wouldn’t be happy with a life I thought was essentially useless. I can’t turn my back on the issue of meaning. I have to include it somehow.

Here is what I do. I no longer think in terms of “Finding Meaning” or “Finding Purpose,” as if those are grand ambitions or lofty expectations. I find that when I think that way, it sounds too daunting and too much like work. Instead, I look for meaningful activities – activities that feel meaningful to me.

That may seem like a small difference in phrasing, but it helps me. Instead of asking myself, “What is my Purpose,” I ask myself, “Does this activity feel meaningful to me, even in a small way?” The meaning doesn’t have to be big. It is usually a small, ordinary thing. Taking care of my dog feels meaningful to me. Feeding the squirrels feels meaningful to me. Reading a good book, watching a worthwhile video or movie, or listening to some good music feels meaningful to me. Being friendly to someone or just lending a listening ear feels meaningful to me. Being a friend to myself feels meaningful to me. Writing feels meaningful to me. Contributing to a discussion feels meaningful to me. Making small progress on a project feels meaningful to me. Heck, looking at a tree can feel meaningful to me. Depends how I look.

I’d suggest not thinking in terms of Finding Your Purpose but instead of locating activities that feel meaningful to you. That is a lot easier, a lot less daunting, and it amounts to pretty much the same thing.  When you look in this way, I think you will find that your life is already filled with meaning and purpose.

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Here is a second suggestion: identify your core values. Your core values are the things you think are most important in life, the things that matter to you the most. When you identify your core values, you are also mapping out your meaning and purpose, because meaning and purpose flow directly out of your values. Values are different than goals, in that they are never finally attained. Any action that takes you one step towards a core value is meaningful and purposeful.

To illustrate, here is a list of my main values. Each of these is a source of meaning and purpose in my life.

1. Freedom and independence
2. Thinking, learning, and personal growth
3. Authenticity and honesty
4. Self-care and self-support 
5. Good connection, friendly contact
6. Simplicity
7. Spirituality, broadly defined
8. Contribution or meaningful work
9. Experiencing nature or good art

Whenever any of my actions serve any of these values, then those activities are meaningful and purposeful to me. In following those values, I am finding my meaning and purpose. I encourage you to think through your own core values, because you will find your meaning and purpose there.

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Social Life

As a single guy, you don’t have a wife or children to meet your social needs, so you will need to get those needs met elsewhere. This can be a bit challenging sometimes, in part because it’s harder to form friendships as an older adult, perhaps especially for men.

I’ll admit that I haven’t got this one solved to my complete satisfaction. I’ve got the other challenges licked – filling the time and finding meaning/purpose – but the social element could use some improvement. Mostly, that’s about me, though. I didn’t cultivate many friendships outside of work, so once I retired, I lost most of my social life. I still keep in contact with a couple of friends from work, but the relationships aren’t the same. We’re not working together every day on the same projects. We aren’t in the same environment, sharing the same stresses, dealing with the same people. We don’t have all that in common anymore. We’re living different lives.

Most of the social groups available to me in retirement seem to be female-dominated. At least that’s been the case around here. The adult education classes are 80% women. The book clubs are 80% women. Discussion groups at church are 65% women. I don’t have anything against women, but group dynamics are different when women are the majority. I feel somewhat alienated as a man. This would not be a problem if I could just go do “guy things,” but I’m not into a lot of the stuff men are into around here – hunting, sports, vehicles, and barbeque. Well, I like barbeque, but I really don’t have much interest in the other stuff. So I don’t really fit with the women or with a lot of the men.

That’s okay, though. Truth be told, if I wanted more of a social life, I’d have one. Even in my small city, there are plenty of social opportunities, but I don’t avail myself of 95% of them. If I really wanted more social connection, I’d get out there more. But fact is, I enjoy my time alone. People vary widely in their need for a social life, and I seem to be at the lower end of the scale – a big introvert and a bit of a recluse. I get most of my social needs met through my dog, my neighbors, the occasional class, texting family and friends, a random social encounter here and there, and some online interaction.

But I’m an outlier, I know. Most people want a lot more social contact than I do.

You probably don’t need me to tell you this, but meeting social needs is a matter of picking a place – a group, a class, a church, a club, whatever – and putting yourself in that spot, regularly. You speak up, you share yourself, you take some risks.  Eventually, you will form some connections. There are many places to choose from – church activities/groups if you are so inclined, Meet Up groups, adult education classes, college courses, clubs of various sorts (hiking, biking, etc.), volunteering, rec centers, book clubs, sports organizations, fitness centers, library activities, or even online dating if you want to roll the dice with that.

Face-to-face interaction is best, but I wouldn’t frown on online interaction, as long as you don’t rely on it too heavily. I find the online world a helpful supplement. I have some unconventional beliefs coupled with an unconventional lifestyle, so it can be hard for me to find like-minded people locally. I can find them online easily enough, though.  

Dogs help, too. Or cats, or ferrets, or whatever. There is a ton of research supporting the benefits of owning a pet. If you are single, chances are those benefits accrue to you even more.  You give love; you get love. You have someone to take care of, and in return, you get a faithful, stalwart companion.  A dog will also get you off your duff and outside – which, besides the exercise benefit, is also is a good way to meet other people and other dogs. So get yourself a pet.

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Aging Alone

I’ll mention one more challenge briefly: “Who will take care of me when I’m old and ill?  What happens if I fall and no one is there to help me?” 

I am just mentioning this one for the sake of completeness. I don’t have much to say about it, really. Two reasons for that. First, I recently finished a piece on “dying alone,” and I’m not in the mood to revisit the land of the dying again so soon. Second, I’m 62, in good health, and this issue feels rather remote to me. I don’t have any experience with it, and I don’t have much wisdom to share.  

I can tell you the obvious – having money helps.  If you have money, you can hire people to perform a wide variety of nursing care and practical tasks – doling out your pills, taking your vitals, shopping for groceries, cooking for you, spoon feeding you your oatmeal, or just keeping you company.  When I get old, I’m going to hire a topless nurse to take care of me. 

I attended a presentation on these at-home care services not long ago, and I was pleased to see how many different service tiers they offer. The programs seemed quite flexible and customizable. Rates seemed reasonable on the surface, although I assume there are hidden costs. Naturally, you’d have to check reviews and make sure staff are well-trained. But as the Boomer generation has aged, the market for these at-home care services has expanded dramatically. It’s not like in your grandparents day, when you were packed off to a nursing home if you didn’t have a spouse or child who was willing to be your caretaker. Today, you have the option of aging at home. Yes, it costs some money, but it’s a lot cheaper than assisted living.

One other suggestion. If you are worried about having a medical emergency living alone, get yourself a medical alert bracelet or necklace. That way, if you fall or become incapacitated, you can push a button and have a response team help you out. These services run about $30/month.

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That’s all I have to say for now.  Feel free to leave a comment if you have any thoughts, reactions, or others suggestions about these challenges.