Savor the Freedom

If you’ve been living the bachelor life for as long as I have, it’s easy to take the freedom for granted.  I thought it might help to remind us all of those freedoms.  Doing so might enable us to better appreciate those freedoms and maybe even utilize them better.

I’ll divide the discussion into “freedoms from” and “freedoms to.” 

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Freedoms From

Bachelors enjoy freedom from a long list of constraints, stresses, and problems that weigh down our married and perpetually coupled friends.  I can’t provide a complete rundown, but here is a sample. 

Checking and explaining

You know the cliché about the married guy: “I need to check with the boss.”  They run their decisions, especially the big ones, by their wives.  Most perpetually coupled guys do the same with their girlfriends (don’t buy their stories about how “alpha” they are).  And when they make a bonehead decision, they hear about it.

As a bachelor, you don’t have to run your decisions by anyone.  You just decide, and that’s that.  And when you screw up, you don’t have to explain to anyone.  There is freedom in not having to check with anyone or explain anything. 

Obligations

Coupledom comes with a variety of obligations, duties, and “shoulds.”  If you don’t do them, you’re asking for trouble, because they are more or less requirements, if you want to build and sustain a romantic relationship.  For example: having to listen to stuff you aren’t interested in; having to watch movies that bore you; having to visit in-laws who you have nothing in common with; honey-do lists; having to accompany her shopping or to the fair; having to pretend you care about something you don’t care about.   

Granted, you might actually want to provide some of these things.  But notice, there’s a big difference between “want” and “have to.” As a single man, you don’t have to.  As a married coupled guy, you generally do. And it’s the “have to” part that makes all the difference — the obligation, the duty. 

When a “want” becomes a “should” – when an intrinsic motivation becomes a quasi-moral obligation imposed by the relationship — enjoyment in the activity drops, and so does intrinsic motivation.  The activity transforms from something you genuinely want to do into something you have to do.  It goes from inspiration to obligation.

You’re free from that insidious transformation.  You keep your wants from becoming shoulds, your desires from becoming obligations.  There is a lot of freedom in that.   

Complications

Women (or men, if you are a woman) bring complications and clutter into your life.  They bring their problems with their jobs, families, kids, money, health or emotional stability. They bring complications. 

As a bachelor, you are free from all that mental clutter and stress.   Your life stays simple.

Compromise and accommodation

If you have a desire, schedule, or agenda, and your partner has a different desire, schedule, or agenda, then you have to negotiate.  You have to accommodate and compromise, or the relationship won’t work. 

As a bachelor, you are free from the need to compromise or accommodate your desire, schedule, or agenda to anyone else — well, except for your workplace and the government, I suppose.  In your personal life, you can just do your thing, without having to meet someone else halfway, giving up a chunk of what you want in order to get a remaining portion. 

It makes life very simple and freewheeling.   

Serving or self-sacrificing for women and children

I may ruffle some feathers by saying this, but I reject the idea that a man’s purpose in life is to focus on building relationships with and then providing for, taking care of, and protecting women and children.  I know this is a popular choice, but it is not a man’s only choice.  

The traditional male role script has a number of problems, but one is the embedded ideal of self-sacrifice for the sake of society, women, and children. I may go into that in detail in another article, but for now, I’ll just say that this ideal often does not work out well for the man. He gives away little bits of himself every day, until he is left with a fragmented sense of self, demoralized and depressed.

As a bachelor, you are free from having to give yourself away in order to serve society, women, and children. You can honor your own self-interests and take care of yourself. 

Having to give or get anything

When you aren’t trying to either give something to women or get something from women, it makes it a lot easier to just talk openly with them.  There aren’t any covert romantic-sexual messages or interpretations to deal with.  It becomes much simpler and cleaner. 

I’ll use myself as an example to illustrate.  On the one hand, I don’t have any interest in giving something to women, beyond basic conversation, respect, and maybe friendship.  I’m not interested in giving them anything more — a date, a relationship, excitement, entertainment, validation, financial provision, security, lifestyle boost, whatever.  I’m just talking to them, engaging in friendly conversation. 

That’s all I intend to give. Does that sound selfish? Well, look at the flip side, too. I’m also not trying to get anything from women. 

I’m not trying to get them to like me.  I’m not trying to get them to be “interested” in me.  I’m not trying to finagle them into a date.  I’m not trying to get them into a relationship.  I’m not trying to get laid.  I’m just looking for some friendly conversation, that’s all.  If they can’t or don’t want to participate, that’s fine. 

This all makes conversations much freer and easier.  I can be much more honest and open, because I’m not trying to create an impression, and I don’t really care whether they like me or not.  I’m spared the effort to pretzel myself into someone they find desirable.  I don’t have to devote cognitive resources to calibrating messages or interpreting subtext.  I just talk and listen.  

This makes interactions with women more free, simple, and enjoyable. 

Noise 

Most of us are fairly noisy creatures.  We watch TV; we watch movies; we have our cellphones running; we listen to music; we snore; we babble at random. 

When you invite a partner into your life, you invite her noise in, too.  If you prefer peace and quiet, you’re in for a disappointment. The noise can be distracting and disruptive. 

If you’re a bachelor, you are free of the noise.

Buying crap you don’t need 

The biggest item in this category is your house, which is the largest purchase any of us will ever make.  If you’re married, chances are it will be your wife who makes most of the decision with regard to what house you buy.  Women’s needs and tastes drive up the cost of the purchase.  That happens for good, understandable reasons (like prioritizing safety for themselves and their kids) and some frivolous ones, like adding on a bunch of fru fru crap and space that most guys could care less about. 

If you’re a bachelor, you don’t have to worry about any of that.  You don’t need to be in the safest neighborhood or the one with the best schools.  You don’t have to add fru fru crap or tons of closet space.  You can just pick a house that fits you and makes you feel comfortable. 

Turns out, this saves you a boatload of money – hundreds of thousands of dollars, in some cases.  You are free to put that money to better use.   

At a lower level, the same thing goes for other purchases, like a car.  You are free to buy a modest, boring car, rather than something that draws women’s attention. 

Sexual risks

If you’re abstaining from sex all together, then you also are free from any worries about all the risks attendant upon sex in the modern age — STDs (which are rampant), crazy and vindictive ex-girlfriends, false accusations, or “accidental” pregnancies accompanied by 18 years of child support. 

Relationship stresses and failures 

Relationships aren’t just rosy love poems; all of them include arguments, misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and anxieties.  All of this involves a lot of stress, not just in the moment but in all the cogitating and processing that follow. And since most relationships fail, there is also the eventual pain and loss of a breakup. 

As a bachelor, you are free from any of that stress and pain. 

And speaking of relationship failures, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that you are also free from all the wonderful problems associated with divorce. You know the litany by now, I’m sure:  loss of assets, alimony payments, damage to relationship with your children, child support payments, drawn-out court battles, false accusations, depression, and doubling of the already-elevated risk for male suicide. 

Breathe a sigh of relief.  You are free from having to deal with any of that stress and misery.  

Relationship dysfunction 

I already mentioned the standard relationships problems (e.g., disagreement, conflict, breakup).  There are also many other interpersonal problems that exist in relationships. 

Here are some examples: control, manipulation, deceit, nagging, cheating, blaming, hostility, abuse, personality disorders, addiction, sexless relationships, or partners who remain together but are emotionally distant. 

How many long-term relationships have at least one of these dysfunctions present?  I am confident it’s more than half.  75%?  I don’t know, but if you have any of those dysfunctions, it can make your life miserable. 

You are free from having to deal with any of it. 

Time, energy, and attention drain 

Long-term relationships (LTRs) are resource hogs: they consume large portions of your time, energy, and attention.  Since those are limited resources, when you spend them on an LTR, those resources are gone forever.  They cannot be spent on anything else that matters.  In other words, everything else you value suffers.  It’s sort of like spending half your life savings on a single item.  With that choice, you have cut in half your ability to invest in anything else that matters to you.

And since most relationships fail, it is like investing half your savings in a single company, and then having that company go belly up.  Ouch.    

As a bachelor, you are free from having to do this – free from having to devote so much of your limited time, energy, and attentional resources into a single individual.  You can direct those resources to anything else that matters to you. 

Baggage 

You don’t have to deal with someone else’s baggage from previous relationships.  I don’t know what it’s like for you younger guys, but at my age (60), women’s baggage cart is pretty full.  That train has made a lot of stops.  The suitcases come with labels like “mistrust,” “unresolved trauma,” “I hate my ex,” and sometimes, “I hate men.” 

As a bachelor, you don’t have to deal with anyone else’s baggage but your own. 

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That is a sample of “freedoms from.”  Let’s look at the “freedoms to” now.  There will be some repetition here, since many of these are just mirror images of the “freedoms from.”  But I think it helps to appreciate the positive side.

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Freedoms To

Do whatever the hell you want to do 

This is the basic freedom: the freedom to do whatever you want (outside of work, anyhow), whenever you want, for as long as you want.  You are free to do whatever you like, for as long as you like, then switch to whatever else you feel like doing. 

There is a tremendous sense of latitude and flexibility in the single life. It just doesn’t exist in a married or perpetually coupled life.    

Use your money the way you like 

Do you want to live simply and save?  Then you can do that.  Do you want to splurge?  You can do that, too.  Although this may seem like crass materialism, money is what we trade our life energy for, so it not a small thing.  As a bachelor, you are free to spend money where you like. 

Direct your own life 

Freedom means personal power – the ability to make your own choices and control your own life.  As a bachelor, you call the shots.  You direct your own life.  You are the captain of your own ship, and you set the course. 

You are free to decide things for yourself.  No checking, coordinating, or compromising.  You just decide, then do it.  Life becomes very simple. 

Dress comfortably 

Since you’re not trying to dress to impress or appeal to others, you are free to dress however you like.  You can wear whatever is comfortable for you.

Live where you like

You are free to live in the house or apartment you like, even if it’s a small, humble one.  Likewise, you can buy whatever sort of car you like, even if it’s an ordinary one. 

Fart  

You are free to fart whenever you like.  Let’s not kid ourselves, this is probably the most important freedom of all.  People have fought and died for this freedom.      

Spend your time, energy, and attention however you like  

Since you’re not committing the bulk of your time, energy, and attention to searching for, locating, building, and maintaining an LTR, you are now free to spend all of those resources elsewhere, on whatever you like. 

You can follow your interests wherever they lead.  You can study and expand your knowledge of any subject.  You can explore whatever hobbies pique your curiosity.  Heck, you can sit around in sweatpants all day and play with yourself; what do I care?  The point is, how you spend your time, energy, and attention is entirely up to you. 

Date 

You are free to date whomever you like, within reason.  If you’re married, this is generally frowned upon. 

Financial independence 

As a bachelor, you are in a better position to free yourself from wage slavery, if that is your goal.  You can more easily trim expenses, live below your means, save money, and invest.  This moves you more rapidly toward financial independence.    

Self-care 

As a bachelor, you’re better able to take care of yourself.  You can rest and relax, spend time outdoors, get physical activity, recuperate, shop for and cook nutritious meals, work out, study health and nutrition, check in with yourself emotionally, dial in to what you want and value better, feed your mind with stimulating material, or do other things that support you. 

Relax 

You are free to just unwind and relax.  As I mentioned earlier, romantic relationships have a variety of stresses and obligations attached.  You are free from that burden.  Take it easy.    

Think and learn 

As a single guy, you are in a much better position to think, ponder, seek deeper understanding, question things, learn, and grow (intellectually, spiritually, philosophically, etc.).  Personally, this is a big one for me, and it’s something I wouldn’t live without. 

I love the fact that I can do as much thinking, reflecting, analyzing, and learning as I want to do, without having a large portion of my mental energy consumed by a relationship. 

Simplicity and quiet

You are free from other’s noise and clutter.  You don’t have to deal with their complications and stressors.  Your life remains simple, peaceful, and tranquil.  Ahh.   

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The freedom that the single life allows is absolutely unparalleled.  That is a brief overview. You may be able to think of other freedoms I overlooked.

I encourage you to ponder these freedoms. Remember them. Appreciate them.  Use them. They are the precious and irreplaceable benefits of a single life.