If you want to get somewhere, you need to deal with the obstacles on the path. Bachelor-shaming is one of the obstacles. It can undermine your ability to live happy and contented bachelor life. It’s worth taking some time to uproot.
Shaming attacks rarely come directly, in person. Although occasionally you’ll get some grief from a dipshit online, most of it comes from the surrounding culture – media, Hollywood, etc. It’s a virus in the air, and until we develop a vaccine for bachelor-shaming, we’ll have to deal with it the old-fashioned way, by thinking.
In Part I, I listed the main shaming messages bachelors get, as well as some basic strategies to deal with it. If you missed that, here it is:
https://goodbachelorhood.com/bachelor-shame-busting-part-i/
In this, Part II, I’ll cover 8 more strategies. They require a bit more thought than the others, but nothing strenuous. Before getting to that, I need to mention a simple strategy I forgot to include last time.
Just Dismiss It
Most shaming messages – I’m guessing 95 percent – aren’t worth any time and attention. They aren’t worth thinking about. They aren’t worth a dispute, a comeback, a rejoinder, or an explanation.
Most shaming messages (I’m thinking especially of the ones you get online) come from people who are not really thinking at all; they are just reacting reflexively to some phrase or idea you’ve uttered, then regurgitating a cliche they’ve absorbed from the culture. They are not giving you any sort of rational argument. Chances are, they haven’t even understood what you’ve said. They are just reflexively emitting a response. It’s sort of like a cognitive fart.
Don’t take it seriously. Don’t get caught up in thinking about it or trying to respond. Just dismiss it and get on with your day.
When you pay attention to something, you give it importance. Even if the thing is trivial, by giving it time and attention, you accord it importance in your mind. Don’t give these reflexive emissions any importance. They don’t deserve it.
This is my preferred method for dealing with bachelor shaming. I just dismiss it and move on. It’s not worth my time and attention. It’s not worth yours, either.
Sometimes, though, shaming messages can lodge in our heads, and they aren’t so easy to just dismiss. After all, we are all wired to attend to social feedback, so sometimes this stuff can get under our skin. Let’s move on to some other strategies.
Understand the Motive
Why would someone want to shame you? You’re such a nice fellow.
I think there are 4 main reasons why people would do such a thing:
- To feel better about themselves. Feeling weak? Feeling bad about yourself? No problem, just shame someone else. Make them the loser, so you can feel better about yourself. This is sometimes called “shame dumping” or “shame transfer.” Instead of dealing with their self-esteem issues in a responsible way, they dump them on you. They make you the defective one. That way, they don’t have to look at their own insecurities, and they can feel better than you. It’s a cheap and easy (but ultimately ineffective) ego boost, a hit of “self-esteem.”
- To validate their own life choices. If you put someone else’s choices down, you can feel better about your own. Of course, when you do that, you let everyone know that you are insecure about your choice; otherwise, why do it? When you’re confident in your position, you don’t need to belittle others.
- To try to control you. Since the dawn of civilization, shame has been a very popular method of social control. Your parents used it. Your school used it. Religion used it. Your peers used it. Social media is filled with it. Why? Because it works. If I can make you feel like shit about yourself, you’ll be more likely to get with the program – or at least shut up and go away.
- Because they are feeling defensive. Something you said triggered their defenses. When people feel defensive, they often go on the attack, and one way they do that is through shaming. You’d think romantic-sexual relationship choices would be personal things, everyone entitled to their own opinion, but no. Choices in these areas are tied to self-esteem, sense of identity, core values, and worldview. So, when you talk openly about your reasons to be a bachelor, some people will get defensive. They’ll instinctively reach for their shame stick and try to whack you with it.
Notice something about all four of those motives. They all reflect the other person’s deficit, not yours.
Appreciate the irony. Although the intended message of the shamer is, “You are defective,” when you examine the intent, it tells you exactly where the defect lies – in the other person, not in you. By shaming you, the shamer is announcing to you, and to anyone else with proper “hearing,” that they have issues — issues with self-esteem, with control, with confidence in their opinions, or with handling defensiveness.
By shaming you, the shamer is telling you where the problem lies – in them, not in you.
Ditch the Model
Shaming depends on you both buying into the same aspirational model, the same paradigm of what you “should” be or do. Whenever someone shames you, they implicitly base that on a model you’re supposed to be achieving. The message of shame is, “You haven’t achieved the model.” You haven’t lived up to what you are supposed to be. You have fallen short. You don’t measure up.
Most men know what the standard model is, but I’ll spell it out, just to make it explicit. Here is what a man is supposed to do and be:
A real/good man seeks and earns the attention and validation of women. He gets plenty of booty when he’s younger, then he seeks a stable relationship later in life. He develops personal qualities that help him get female attention/validation (e.g., physique, confidence, “game,” ambition, etc.).
He is successful in his career. He is financially well off. He attains some measure of status. These are pursued in themselves, but they also help to attract the attention and approval of women.
The official guide to being a man
Eventually, the man finds a Special Someone and settles down with her into a long-term commitment and marriage. He has children, and he helps his wife raise the children. He serves as provider and protector to the woman and children. In addition to his career, this is the primary source of meaning and purpose in his life, and to it he devotes a large share of his life energy.
That’s a brief sketch of the usual model for what men are supposed to be and do, at least with regard to women and romantic-sexual relationships. Bachelor-shaming says you haven’t lived up to that model. You have fallen short and are therefore shameworthy.
But what if you don’t buy into the model? What if you don’t believe in all that hogwash about your value being dependent on how much women validate you, or how much career success or status you have, or how much of your energy you devote to family and children? What if you don’t buy all that?
This reference will date me, but there is a scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, where King Arthur and his wayward knights come upon a vista overlooking Camelot. One by one, they all exclaim, “Camelot!” “Camelot!” “Camelot!” Terry Gilliam’s character grumbles, “It’s only a model.”
It’s only a model. It isn’t reality. It’s only a paradigm constructed by other people. And it’s just one possible model, not the only one or the “right” one.
The trick, then, is to dismantle the standard model, the one that tells you what you are supposed to be and do. When you do that, shame bounces off. I haven’t “achieved the model,” you say? Who cares? That’s your model, not mine.
See Shaming as a Good Sign
Being shamed is a good sign. It means you’re on your path.
I’m retired now, but back when I was working, my job involved telling a lot of smart, successful people things they did not want to hear. They did not appreciate my input, to put it mildly. I got a lot of pushback and flak, as well as some personal and professional attacks.
Early on, I expressed my dismay about this to a senior colleague. He responded, “If you’re not making enemies, you’re not doing your job.” That reframing helped me. He pointed out, quite rightly, that if I was doing my job well — which was telling the truth as I saw it — I would be getting flak. It comes with the territory.
I recommend the same perspective to you. Being shamed is a sign that you are “doing your job” — you are living your own life with integrity and honesty. You are telling the truth as you see it, not just hiding in the shadows or following a social script. Anyone who lives an unconventional life faces flak, resistance, judgment, and shaming. It goes with the territory.
Take shaming as a good sign. It means you are living your own life, with authenticity and integrity.
Deal with Internalized Shame
I have glossed over an important distinction up until now. We need to take a moment to differentiate between temporary, fleeting shame and toxic, internalized shame. There is a world of difference between the two.
The feeling of shame generally comes and goes pretty swiftly — within a matter of minutes, hours, or maybe a day. Internalized or toxic shame, though, is different. It is a part of your sense of self. Shame typically gets internalized in childhood and adolescence, as a result of painful experiences. Internalized shame requires no external trigger. It exists chronically, as a part of who you are (or rather, who you think you are).
Internalized shame is a demon lurking in a dark corner of the mind, ready to spring out in a moment of vulnerability and drag you down to the pits of Hell. It gets my vote for the most painful emotional state there is. It regularly leads people to suicide. I sympathize with anyone who struggles with it. I’ve dealt with plenty of it myself. You are not alone.
The problem with internalized shame, at least in so far as this subject is concerned, is that the enemy is within. You don’t need an external source to trigger it. You generate boatloads of shame all by yourself. You shame yourself far worse than anyone else does. You will be very sensitive to external shaming — your shame button will be very easy to press. But the real issue is not what other people do; it is internalized shame.
This topic is too vast for me to deal with here. If you struggle with internalized shame, I encourage you to seek help in whatever form. Personally, when I was struggling with it, I found John Bradshaw’s Healing the Shame that Binds You helpful, so that might be one place to begin. Gershen Kaufman’s Shame is also very good, although a bit more theoretical. But do whatever works for you. Get the demon out.
Use Shame to Grow Stronger
Face shame, and you will grow stronger. People avoid facing shame – they defend themselves against it – in a variety of ways. For instance, they may rage, get perfectionistic, get stuck in blame and resentment, seek power and control, withdraw, use a lot of pretense/masking, go into denial, or use substances. None of those are good long-term strategies.
There is a basic psychological principle. You grow stronger by facing adversity, not by hiding from it. The same goes for being shamed. If you face shame, rather than avoid it, you will become a stronger, healthier person.
To clarify, when I say “face shame,” I don’t mean immerse yourself in it or get preoccupied with it. I just mean don’t avoid it out of fear and discomfort. Don’t resort to the primitive defenses mentioned above. Accept it and deal with it.
I can testify to the benefits of dealing with shame directly, rather than hiding from it. Here are some of them:
- Becoming more confident in who you are
- Becoming more self-supporting
- Building fortitude
- Developing courage
- Differentiating, individuating
- Learning to better tolerate disagreement and conflict
- Developing compassion
- Developing humility
Turn shaming attacks to your advantage. Use them to help you become a stronger, better person. You do that by facing and dealing with them. Over time, you will reap the benefits.
Don’t Try to Project/Protect an Image
Others’ shaming attacks often take aim at our public image. Shame says, “You are not the image you are trying to project.” Think of the old comic strip of a proud man in a carefully tailored business suit, slipping on a banana peel and falling on his ass. We laugh, because his proud image is punctured. He is publicly exposed as a doofus.
But if you are not trying to project an image, then you can’t be shamed for not living up to it. There is a lot of freedom in not trying to project an image — in not trying to cultivate an image or protect our reputation.
To clarify, I’m not suggesting you put your professional reputation at risk. I’m retired, so I don’t have any professional image to worry about, but I know a lot of you are not in that position. You’re in professional environments where you have to be careful about your image. I get that.
Generally speaking, though, trying to project an image makes you vulnerable to shaming. If you stop that, or at least dial it back, you will find your susceptibility to shaming dropping off. When you’re not trying to project an image, shaming attacks deflate like a punctured tire.
What was Their Intent?
As most of us know, there can be a big difference between what a speaker intends to communicate and how the message is received.
Even a dog distinguishes between being stumbled over and kicked.
Seneca
If you’re feeling belittled, consider the possibility that the other person might not have intended it. In their mind, maybe they were being helpful. Maybe they phrased things poorly. Maybe you misread the situation, because you’re in a low mood or feeling sensitive. Maybe you misinterpreted what they meant.
Communication glitches happen all the time. If you can see that the other person did not intend to shame you, then you can let it go and move on, rather than stew about it.
Develop a Good Relationship with Your Self
There is a direct relationship between the quality of your internal relationship and your sensitivity to external shaming.
The more you care about yourself, the less you will care what others think, positive or negative. The more you support yourself internally, the less you will need others’ approval, and the less sensitive you will be to their disapproval. The more kind you are to yourself, the less others’ unkindness will bother you.
Take time to develop a good relationship with yourself. Support yourself; be good to yourself; be kind to yourself. If you can do that, external shaming messages will slide like water off your ducky back.
I hope this discussion has added to your shame-busting armamentarium. Once you become expert in shame defusal, your bachelor life will become much more peaceful and satisfying.