Self-Esteem for Bachelors: Introduction

If you want to live a happy, contented life as a bachelor, there is no more essential internal ingredient than good self-esteem.  Conversely, if you lack self-esteem, your bachelor road will be rutted and difficult. It is worth spending some time thinking about and developing this quality.    

Over the next several articles, I want to lay out the following:

1. What self-esteem is and isn’t, and how you can distinguish the genuine article from the counterfeit version.
2. Why self-esteem is essential for bachelors.
3. How to build and maintain self-esteem. 

In this first piece, I will clarify what self-esteem is and isn’t.  I will also distinguish real self-esteem from the counterfeit version, pseudo self-esteem.  We need to get clear on those things first; otherwise, what follows will be confusing. 

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What Self-Esteem Is and Isn’t

[By the way, some people don’t like the word “self-esteem;” if that’s you, just substitute “self-respect” or “self-confidence.” Close enough.]   

Self-esteem is both a feeling and an evaluation; it has a cognitive and an emotional component. 

At the evaluative level, self-esteem is a judgment of ourselves. To oversimplify a bit, it proceeds along two dimensions: competence and worth. We assess ourselves: How competent am I at handling life’s basic challenges? And how worthy (good, worthwhile) am I, as a human being?

However, self-esteem usually does not register as an evaluation. It usually registers as a feeling.  If we have good self-esteem, we generally feel confident, calm, and comfortable with ourselves. Maybe we feel appreciative of who we are, grateful, or proud. Conversely, if we lack self-esteem, we generally feel insecure, anxious, uneasy, guilty, down about or disappointed with ourselves. 

Behind the good feelings is a positive self-evaluation. To put it in a nutshell, it’s something like, “I’m competent to face life’s challenges, and I’m worthy of good things in life.”

Likewise, behind the uncomfortable feelings is a negative self-evaluation. It usually takes the form of “I’m not _____ enough” – not good enough, attractive enough, talented enough, smart enough, whatever.   “I’m defective” somehow as a human being. Those specific words might not run through your head, but that will usually be the basic meaning.

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Real Self-Esteem vs. Pseudo Self-Esteem 

It is critical to differentiate between genuine self-esteem and its counterfeit version, pseudo self-esteem. 

This distinction is important for two reasons:

1. It helps to clarify what self-esteem is and isn’t. 
2. It helps you avoid falling in a trap millions of men have wasted their lives on.  

Here are three broad generalizations that help to clarify the difference.

First, real self-esteem is based in reality, whereas pseudo self-esteem is based on distortion and defense.  Genuine self-esteem rests on an accurate understanding of ourselves, our strengths and weaknesses.  Pseudo self-esteem, in contrast, is based on distorted beliefs about the self.  It might rest on an idealized view of the self or a degraded one.  Real self-esteem is based on truth; pseudo self-esteem is based on a lie.

Second, real self-esteem is grounded internally, whereas pseudo self-esteem is grounded externally.  Yes, these worlds overlap, but in general, for adults, genuine self-esteem is grounded in an internal evaluation of ourselves – in what we think about ourselves, not primarily in what others think.  Pseudo self-esteem, in contrast, is based on external sources — on social validation, on whether we are liked or approved of, etc. Pseudo self-esteem is often called “reflected self-appraisal” for this reason — it is not generated within; it is only borrowed (reflected) from the outside.  

Third, real self-esteem is something you earn over time; it requires work.   Pseudo self-esteem, on the other hand, is something spoken into existence – or so we believe, anyway. 

The “self-esteem” movement of the 1980s was a joke and a failure because of this. It was based on the simplistic notion that you can create self-esteem in children by telling them they are great and special (and meanwhile telling all the other kids they are also great and special).  You can’t create self-esteem that way. All you create are inflated egos and unrealistic expectations.  It’s no coincidence that we have seen dramatic rises in narcissism and entitlement over the past couple of decades. Bad ideas — in this case about self-esteem — have bad consequences. 

Self-esteem cannot be spoken into existence.  You don’t get it by looking into a mirror and telling yourself you are great and wonderful.  Self-esteem requires work, and work of a specific type (I’ll get to that).  It is built up over time; it is earned. 

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Examples of Pseudo Self-Esteem

Here are some examples of potential sources of pseudo self-esteem.  As you read through the list, see if you can notice the commonality among them:

• Money
• Approval
• Social status, social ascendancy
• Being liked by women, being attractive to women
• Power
• Fame
• Success or achievement along conventional lines
• Being popular or well-liked
• Being married or coupled
• Being a self-sacrificing provider, being a “good” man, a nice guy
• Sex or sexual conquest

What is the common theme?  It is this: they are all ways that men commonly try to boost their self-esteem. Women have their own list, but that is men’s.  

To head off a potential misunderstanding, I’m not saying that pursuing any of these things means, ipso facto, you are pursuing pseudo self-esteem. No, that would be silly and simplistic.  The issue here is not the goal, but the reason behind it, the motivation. Some men pursue these things to compensate for a lack of self-esteem, in the hopes of gaining it, but other men pursue these things in a healthy way, without their self-esteem dependent on it. It all depends on the internal motivation.

Here is my point: if you pursue these things from a place of lack, hoping they will furnish you with good self-esteem, you are kidding yourself.  You are wasting your life energy; you are trying to solve an internal problem with an external solution. 

“A lot of people spend their lives climbing the ladder of success, only to find at the end that their ladder was leaning against the wrong wall.” 

Joseph campbell

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Consequences of Pursuing Pseudo Self-Esteem

Trying to find real self-esteem by pursuing its counterfeit version is like trying to nourish your body with junk food.  It may taste good, but it will damage you in the long run, and it will leave you malnourished.    

Pursuing pseudo self-esteem is similar to chasing any other external, dopamine-driven experience.  You feel good, excited, and satisfied in the moment, maybe even euphoric.  Then the experience wears off, and as you come down from the “high,” you want more.  You can see this play itself out with alcohol, drugs, sex, sugar, shopping, and social media. And you can see it play itself out with pseudo self-esteem, too. 

When you pursue these things as sources of self-esteem, you may feel good in the short run, but ultimately, you will end up unsatisfied, malnourished, and wanting more.  It isn’t difficult to find examples of this — men who’ve spent their lives pursuing these counterfeits, only to be trapped in a cycle of “more/better,” never satisfied.

This an extremely common trap. Partly it is just human naivete about what real self-esteem depends on, but there is a nefarious element, too. These traps are set up and promoted by people and organizations who stand to gain from your loss. I’m trying to help you avoid falling into this trap. 

If you want to build self-esteem, go after the real thing, not the counterfeit. 

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Self-esteem is a complex subject, so I could rattle on for days, but I don’t want to waste your time. I want to move on to my main point, which is that self-esteem is essential for a good bachelor life. I’ll cover that next.