I have a long list of reasons why I’m single, but I’m going to give you the top six. I’ve written in detail about some of this elsewhere, so I’ll keep it brief. Consider this a summary statement. I am not presenting this as an “objective” list of why long-term romantic relationships (LTRs) are “bad.” They aren’t. I’ve enjoyed LTRs, and I’m well aware that most men find great value in them. I…
“In order to be intimate with another, one must first be willing to be intimate with oneself, and any addiction, regardless of what it is, is an avoidance of intimacy with the self.” – Anne Wilson Schaef, Escape From Intimacy. Strangely, romantic relationships can function as an addiction no less powerful than drugs or alcohol. Doubly strange is that many of the people who hold up intimate relationships as the ultimate value in life are…
If you’re single, you will “die alone.” You’ve probably heard that message, either directly or through the media. Maybe you’ve conjured up the image yourself: dying alone in a sterile hospital room, lonely and unloved, or dying alone in your apartment, days passing before anyone discovers your body. Oh, the shame, the post-mortem shame. Years ago, I was on an online forum. I said that I wasn’t interested in getting married or having kids. Knowing…
Everyone knows the importance of believing in your ability to achieve goals and persisting despite adversity. Let’s take that for granted. I want to talk about the flip side — about the times when it is best to give up. Sometimes, the wisest course is to drop a goal, walk away, and invest your energy elsewhere. Specifically, let’s talk about the times when it might be best to give up on relationships — and when…
A romantic partner will complete your life — so we are told in a hundred ways, implicit and explicit. Even if we recognize the foolishness of this belief, it can still pester us, because the conditioning is so pervasive and persistent. So, let’s spend a few minutes deprogramming. First, where does this belief come from? Well, as usual, from nature and nurture. First the nature, then the nuture… Nature We are the products of a…
Have you ever wondered, “Does an LTR (a long-term romantic relationship) support my core values? Does it support what matters most to me in life, or does it undermine it?” It’s a good question to ask. You want, I assume, to pursue things that are consistent with your deepest values and avoid the things that aren’t. I’d like to share with you a simple process for determining whether an LTR serves your core values or…
If you’ve been living the bachelor life for as long as I have, it’s easy to take the freedom for granted. I thought it might help to remind us all of those freedoms. Doing so might enable us to better appreciate those freedoms and maybe even utilize them better. I’ll divide the discussion into “freedoms from” and “freedoms to.” Freedoms From Bachelors enjoy freedom from a long list of constraints, stresses, and problems that weigh…
We don’t get self-esteem by blowing ourselves kisses in the mirror. I tried; it doesn’t work. Building self-esteem (or “self-respect,” if you prefer) requires work, and it requires a certain kind of work, specific practices. I will describe two of those practices in this piece and three in the next. These practices emerge not from my posterior but from decades of reading and experience, personal and professional. I will focus on the part we…
Now I’d like to turn to the topic of building self-esteem. After all, if self-esteem is such an essential ingredient of a contented bachelor life, we’d better know something about how to get it.
The bachelor life isn’t for everyone. In some ways, it’s a hard road. It comes at a price. That is what this article is about: the costs of traveling this toll road, and how self-esteem can help defray those costs. More broadly, I want to lay out the case that self-esteem is essential for bachelor contentment. Before we get to the bachelors, though, let’s appreciate the importance of self-esteem in general, for everyone. Self-esteem (or…