A romantic partner will complete your life — so we are told in a hundred ways, implicit and explicit. Even if we recognize the foolishness of this belief, it can still pester us, because the conditioning is so pervasive and persistent. So, let’s spend a few minutes deprogramming.
First, where does this belief come from? Well, as usual, from nature and nurture. First the nature, then the nuture…
Nature
We are the products of a selective breeding program which has been going on for millions of years. Over that time period, evolution has gradually shaped men and women to form emotionally loaded pair-bonds with each other. This is because it has clear evolutionary advantages, and evolution never neglects an advantage this obvious. It amplifies it.
If you’re interested in the evolutionary biology, I’ll explain briefly. About 4 million years ago, human beings developed very large brains. Along with the large brains came two correlates: 1) danger to the woman during pregnancy, because of the kid’s big head, and 2) an unusually long period of child dependency, because of the motor, social, and intellectual development required for these big brains.
Both of those features are important, but the second one is key. In animals who have a short period of child dependency (a turtle, let’s say), the female does not need the male to stick around. The male turtle has his fun, and he’s off. “Love ’em and leave ’em” is the turtle’s motto.
But in animals who have a long period of child dependency (like us), there is a clear evolutionary advantage in having the male stick around. He can help protect the female during her long period of vulnerable pregnancy. Even more important, he can help to ensure that the baby survives, is protected and provided for. Evolution’s concern is that baby, and anything that helps it survive will be passed on to the next generation — and that includes pair-bonding traits. Over time, this created a fairly strong pair-bonding instinct in humans.
To be sure, we are not just a pair-bonding species. We are also a fairly promiscuous species. And to say “pair-bonded” is not to say “lifelong monogamy.” We are both pair-bonded and promiscuous. Most pair-bonds are not lifelong or even close. The most common pattern appears to be serial, time-limited monogamy, with infidelity occurring in about half the instances.
In any case, the point is that evolution built into us over millions of years an instinct to form “romantic” pair-bonds with the opposite sex. This drive didn’t just pop out of the blue but is welded on to the pre-existing attachment system that exists in all mammals.
As such, we are the descendants of the ancestors who were highly motivated to couple up. Early humans who were happily single did not pass their genes on in the same quantity that the couple-driven did. It’s been survival of the coupledest, the ones most driven to couple. They generated the babies that had the best chance of survival. We carry their genes.
So, one of the main reasons you feel that you need a romantic partner to complete your life is because millions of years of evolution have shaped you to feel that way. It has shaped you to prioritize romantic coupling and to have the emotions, motivations, and desires that support this drive.
Nurture is a little more complicated.
Media
Most forms of entertainment either put romantic-sexual relationships at the center of attention or else give it a prominent role. For instance:
- In music, about 8 out of 10 songs is a love song or a sex song. I venture to say, the majority of these are a guy crooning about a girl rather than vice versa.
- In movies or TV shows, the main character is often involved in a romantic relationship. If he or she lacks one, they want one. Maybe they are sad or angry about the loss of one (this is often the core motivation of many plots). If they don’t have one and don’t seem to care about that, they are often portrayed as odd loners or misfits.
- Romance novels are the best-selling genre of fiction, and by a very large margin. In other genres, protagonists either have serious romantic-sexual relationships, want them, mourn their loss, or else are weirdos.
The message we get from music, movies, and fiction is that romantic coupling is a central part of life. Without it, something is missing.
Business and Marketing
Consider all the services designed to get you into relationships, help you manage those relationships, help you exit relationships or survive their loss. Think of the food and entertainment industry, the real estate market, and the travel industry. How much of their revenue is dependent on romantic coupling, either directly or indirectly? Think of all the marketing dollars that go to sells you on these services — or use images of happy couples to sell you something else. There is an army of dating coaches and couples therapists who make their living coaching people about their romantic relationships — how to get into one, what to watch out for, how to play the game, how to land the woman of their dreams or avoid the woman of their nightmares, and how to deal with the trauma associated with relationships. And we can’t forget the divorce and child support industry, with its legion of judges, lawyers, and administrators.
There are trillions of dollars at stake and tens of millions of careers. Some of these individuals are genuinely trying to help people, but most of them are profiting off selling you a fantasy — or else rescuing you from the consequences of the fantasy. And they are very effective at what they do.
Religion
The church is primarily a coupled community. I’ll just speak to the Christian church here, since that is the one I’m most familiar with. Single people are treated with benevolence, but they are largely viewed as missing out. You will occasionally here talk of singlehood being a “calling,” but that is usually just lip service. The more common attitude is that marriage is the natural and normal calling — what God wants of you — and that there is something wrong with someone if he or she does not want that. The normal, ideal state held up in the church is marriage and family. Single people are sort of third wheels.
Further, religion teaches that men and women are two halves of a whole. In marriage, “the two become one.” The implication is that without that other half, you are incomplete. Surrounded by a coupled community that is always talking about marriage and family, it is easy to feel that way.
You may say, “but I’m not religious.” Okay, but if you live in the United States or much of Europe, you grew up in a society that was shaped by the Christian worldview. Like it or not, you got the message.
Family
From family we get our first and most enduring ideas about how romantic relationships work. Unfortunately, most families are dysfunctional. Codependent relationships are the norm in society. “You complete me” is the codependent’s anthem. Codependency is characterized by looking to another person to fill you up, to give you self-esteem, to make you feel worthy. The codependent seeks an external solution to an internal problem. It doesn’t work, but that doesn’t stop them from trying.
If you grew up in a dysfunctional family — and to some degree, most of us did — we saw codependency modeled for us. This happened from day one, long before we had the ability to think and discern.
So, the belief that we need a romantic partner to be complete comes from a variety of sources — biology, television, movies, music, fiction, business, advertisement, religion, and family. From cradle to grave, the idea is planted in our heads, from multiple angles. In fact, I’ve often thought that, given how pervasive the programming is, it’s a wonder that any of us ever manage to wriggle free of it, even partially.
Wriggling Free
Here are some ways to dislodge the belief that a romantic partner will complete you.
1. Notice the Programming
The first thing you can do is simply to notice the programming:
- How your biology puppets you.
- How music constantly points your nose to it.
- How movies and TV handle romantic themes.
- How many businesses depend on coupling, and how much advertising stokes it.
- What sort of models did your family give you?
- How about messages from religion?
Noticing puts a wedge between you and the programming. It gives you a little distance, a little breathing room. Time to think, to discern. In doing that, you can prevent the message from sinking it; you can prevent yourself from being subconsciously programmed. If you don’t notice the programming, you will be its pawn.
Love is overvalued in our culture. It becomes a phantom – like success – carrying with it the illusion that it is a solution for all problems. Love itself is not an illusion – although in our culture it is most often a screen for satisfying wishes that have nothing to do with it – but it is made an illusion by our expecting much more of it than it can possibly fulfill.
Karen Horney
2. Research Does Not Support It
Respect facts? Then know that empirical research does not support the belief that a romantic partner completes your life. If that were true, then achieving coupledom should result in profound, dramatic, and long-lasting increases in happiness and life satisfaction. After all, that’s a pretty big deal — your life is now complete and whole. You have made the transition from incomplete to complete. We should see major and permanent transformation.
And yet, that’s not what we see at all. The best longitudinal studies show that marriage — our culture’s most serious and celebrated form of coupling — leads, on average, to a mild boost in happiness. This lasts a year or two, and then the person returns to baseline. Moreover, this effect is shown in research that is statistically biased in favor of marriage (e.g., see https://www.belladepaulo.com/2013/04/on-getting-married-and-not-getting-happier-what-we-know/).
That is a rather paltry effect, especially compared to the hype around romantic relationships. It’s not all that different than the effect we see with other circumstantial changes (e.g., job promotion). Surely, if finding a romantic partner — and not just any partner, but your one and only — was something that made your life complete, we would expect more than a modest boost in life satisfaction, followed by a return to baseline after a year or two.
3. Counterexamples
Have a logical mind? Then consider, if people needed a romantic partner to have a fulfilling life, we would not find many counterexamples — instances in which people lacked a relationship yet were happy with their lives. Sure, we might find a few counterexamples — the so-called “exception that proves the rule” — but we wouldn’t find many. If we find a lot of counterexamples, it means the rule isn’t a rule.
So, let’s look for counterexamples. Can you think of anyone who is not in a romantic relationship and yet has a satisfying life? Of course you can! Heck, you might be one of them. I am. I can point to hundreds, probably thousands, of genuinely contented single people. They are not hard to find.
We can also look at the other side of the coin. Do you know anyone who is in a romantic relationship, and yet who is not living a full, satisfying life? Of course you do! I know hundreds of people who are (or who have been) in shallow, unfulfilling relationships. If you need examples, just turn on the TV.
Just from the standpoint of simple logic, if you needed a romantic partner to have a complete, fulfilling life, then it would not be so easy to point to hundreds or thousands of counterexamples. The rule is not a rule. You don’t need a romantic partner to have a complete life.
4. Completion is an Inside Job
People who haven’t done their inner work approach the world with mantras of “gimme, gimme, gimme.”
John Bradshaw
Let’s stop to ask — what does “completing” yourself mean, anyhow? In my opinion, completing yourself is synonymous with developing yourself or maturing as a human being. “Completion” means you have grown into a mature, well-functioning human being.
A caveat: when I say “complete” or “developed,” I’m speaking in relative terms, not absolute ones. I’m talking about “good enough” levels of development, not achieving some ideal state of perfect wholeness. No one is 100% developed. We all have shortcomings, issues, and weaknesses. This isn’t about perfection; it’s about good enough.
So how do you do develop into a more-or-less mature, well-functioning person? Well, it involves tasks like this:
- Understanding yourself — your strengths, weaknesses, likes, dislikes, issues.
- Developing a set of values, purpose, and meaning in life.
- Understanding other people and the world.
- Learning skills that enable you to function in the world.
- Building decent relationships.
Notice, all of those things are up to you. Although you can ask other people for help or guidance, ultimately, it is your responsibility. You can’t hand the responsibility off to someone else.
Of course, that doesn’t stop people from trying. Personal development — building a self and a life you are contented with — is hard work sometimes, so people try to shift the burden to someone else. For instance, think of a childlike, dependent waif of a woman who draws to her a “strong” caretaker male, swooping in to the rescue, cape flapping in the breeze. This doesn’t work — it just reinforces both their problems — but it allows them to both temporarily escape the burden of their responsibilities for self-completion or self-development.
There is a fundamental flaw at the base of the “you complete me” paradigm. Other people can help you, but they cannot complete you. Even if they wanted to, they couldn’t. Completion — developing into a more-or-less mature human being — is an inside job. It’s not something another person can do for you.
5. You Help Me Escape Myself
All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.
Blaise Pascal
On the surface, “You complete me” sounds sweet and romantic. But often, the reality underneath is not so sweet and touching. “You complete me” can often be translated, “You help me escape my inner world.” If you can see through the pretense, it will help you. It will loosen the grip of the romantic fantasy.
The world is filled with people whose inner lives are like a ghetto – not a place you want to spend much time. They also struggle with feelings of low self-worth. Now, notice how ideally suited romantic coupling is to “solve” both of these problems. Romantic coupling provides provides plenty of distraction from the inner world — in the form of drama, sexual tingles, emotional ups and downs, romantic intrigue, and so forth. It also provides artificial boosts to self-esteem.
Many people are driven to couple for these reasons. They have problems with self-esteem and an impoverished inner life. Romantic relationships (or even just the promise of them) provide a “fix” for those problems.
These are usually the same people who gush about the glories of love and romance. Although they talk about coupling as a life completer, it’s more like a life preserver: something they use to stay afloat.
This is more common than you think. Quite often, coupling is not making anyone “complete.” It is allowing them to avoid their inner lives and artificially boost their self-esteem. It is not “you complete me.” It is more like “you help me escape me.”
6. Subtraction
Simplify, simplify.
Henry David Thoreau
If we feel that our life is lacking somehow, our usual impulse is to add something to it — more activities, more things, more relationships — more/better something. But there is a difference between a complete life and an overstuffed one. Most of us have lives that contain too much — too much information, too much external input, too many obligations and duties, too many time wasters, too many energy drains, too much work, too much distraction, too much meaningless pursuit of more/better.
I think in today’s society, building a complete life depends more on subtraction than addition. It depends more on eliminating things than on adding them. In order to achieve a complete, satisfying life, we don’t need to add more; we need to subtract. Only then can we have enough time and space to discover what really matters to us. Less is more.
Romantic relationships bring a lot of clutter into your life. Admittedly, some people prefer this. They like the excitement, intrigue, distraction, and noise that come with romantic relationships. I don’t. I like a simple, uncluttered life.
For me, the precondition of a complete life is quiet and simplicity. A romantic partner interferes with that. Coupling does not make my life complete; it makes it less complete, because the level of distraction pulls me away from what really matters.
Perhaps some of you may feel the same. Perhaps for some of you, the way to a more complete life is through subtraction, not addition.
7. Get Older
Just get older. It will help. I admit, this requires a bit of patience. In the meantime, you can at least listen to old single people. Most will tell you that the single life gets better as you age. It gets easier as you go. That has certainly been my experience.
When I was in my 20s and 30s, I took it for granted that chasing romance was a basic ingredient in life. When I was in my 40s, I started to question that. I realized by then that relationships weren’t all they were cracked up to be. And by the time I crossed the 50 mark, I was a confirmed bachelor.
As you get older, helpful shifts occur. Your biology settles down, so you aren’t so much of a puppet. The same-age partners you have available to you also get older (go figure) and thus less likely to stir your residual biology. You have had enough experience in relationships that you feel like you have “been there and done that,” and you don’t need to go back to the well another time. You are better able to separate fantasy from reality.
You also get to know yourself better. You learn what really makes you happy, as opposed to what you’ve been sold. You get more comfortable with your own company. You like yourself more. You care less what others think of you. You become more complete, in the sense described above, so you don’t need external validation as much.
In some ways, living single is an acquired skill. The older you get, the better you get at it.
8. Who Decides?
Who decides whether your life is “complete”?
Well, you do, that’s who. Other people can make judgments, but they do it from the outside, based on scant information, distorted by filters and preconceptions. You are on the inside. You know what your life feels like. You are the expert on your experience of life.
So ask yourself, does your life feel “complete” (satisfying, fulfilling) to you?
Being somewhat prone to perfectionism, let me remind you (and me) that when I say “complete” or “satisfying,” I’m not talking about 100% “completion.” I’m not talking about some idealized, perfect state. We are all imperfect people, full flaws, blindspots, and shortcomings. I am just talking about a “good enough” level of completion, development, or satisfaction.
Is your life good enough, by your own standards? That’s all that really matters.
If yes, then great. If no, that’s okay, too. You have a lot of company. Just keep plugging away.
To Summarize
- Be aware of the programming.
- Recognize the counterexamples.
- Understand that research shows the actual effects of coupling to be small and temporary.
- Look under the hood and see how often “you complete me” means “you help me escape me.”
- Another person cannot complete you. Completion is an inside job.
- Whether your life is “complete” or satisfying is a judgment only you can make.
- Know that the single life gets better and easier as you get older.
- For a complete life, don’t add more. Subtract.
There are a hundred ways to live a complete life, not just one. Find yours.
Thanks for this well thought-out and coherently written article. It was both enjoyable and educational to read. I found the link via the forum (I don’t post there, only read in the background. Let’s just say that I see too many members that are very vocal and ‘present’ but most of the time completely off-topic. Nevertheless, your posts, and those of a few others, I never skip).
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As for ‘love’ in music, about a decade ago I started listening (and a little later even enjoying…) classical, non-vocal music for various reasons. By coincidence, this also completely freed me from the ‘I love you so much!’-type of lyrics.
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Think ‘Canto Ostinato’ by Simeon ten Holt. Lately I’ve been enjoying Ludovico Einaudi. And as I stopped watching TV about a decade ago, I no longer am forced to be a voyeur in other people’s personal lives (or what should be personal/private, in my opinion). Too much drama and over-stimulation.
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I often wondered why relations, love, romance etc. never interested me. Have always felt like the odd-one out in that respect, starting at age 10 or so. It’s only recently, at nearly 50 years of age, that I’ve learned that I’m very likely someone with Asperger’s. Never officially diagnosed as such (and I don’t intend to go into the psychiatric caroussel. I don’t see it as being helpful in any way). I’ve always had a very low opinion of psychology and so to read that you have a background in that field and say (what I consider to be) things that do make a lot of sense comes as a bit of a surprise.
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I do recall when in the last year of high-school, there were about 4-5 girls (out of ~60 students) who went to study psychology. A good friend of mine told me that, seeing how those exact same girls were screwball-crazy, ‘they probably want to study psychology to help themselves’ . My reply to him was, roughly, ‘if ever in my life I really need help, a psychologist will be the very last one on my list of possible helpful resources.’ I recall one of those girls one day showing up in school with a half-shaven head (only the left side completely bald, long hair still on the right side). There was plenty of other disturbing behaviour as well. BTW, I’m talking about the early ’90s now.
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The paragraphs about the selective breeding program, selecting for individuals with a preference for relationships. I had never thought about it that way but it does make sense. Desmond Morris once wrote a book, ‘the naked ape’, where he looked at people from the viewpoint of a zoologist. I don’t recall him making that observation (nature selecting for people with a relationship-preference). Or I must’ve missed it back then when I read his book. Yet what you wrote sounded as something he could very well have said.
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“People are individuals. Some are more individual than others.”
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That reminds me of that scene in ‘Life of Brian’, where the crowd repeats, “yes, we’re all individuals” and then the one lone voice objecting, “I’m not…”. Thereby proving inadvertently that he’s the only one to think for himself (as an individual), not mindlessly accepting the words of the messiah Brian.
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The ‘one size fits all’ viewpoint always struck me as silly. If it was true, everyone would be a mechanical engineer like me…. Yet, when it comes to relationships, that’s still the overwhelming viewpoint. To this day I get subtle (sometimes not so subtle) nudges to get into a relationship. I tell them that I’m too stuck in my ways and that I like my life the way it is now. I don’t tell them that at nearly 50 years of age, without ever having had (nor desired) an emotional relationship or even just physical intimacy (and never missed it), the odds that suddenly I will desire such a thing are very, very, very small indeed. I keep those thoughts to myself. In their defence, the people who do suggest relationships to me seem to be very mature and actually in fulfilling relationships themselves and would prefer me to have something as good as they have. Except… I’m not as they are. Reversely, my way of living would probably make them very unhappy.
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“If we feel that our life is lacking somehow, our usual impulse is to add something to it — more activities, more things, more relationships — more/better something.”
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This quote by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry came to mind when I read the above line.
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“La perfection est atteinte, non pas lorsqu’il n’y a plus rien à ajouter, mais lorsqu’il n’y a plus rien à retirer.” Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
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(perfection is achieved, not when there’s nothing more to add, but when there’s nothing more to remove)
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Anyway, in a nutshell, your writings made a lot of sense to me. Thanks for taking the time to write and publicize it. I also noticed at this visit that you have many more articles. I shall be reading them soon too. Somehow I overlooked that the previous time I visited your site.
Thanks, nemo, for your thoughtful response. I’m glad you liked the article.
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I understand your low opinion of psychologists. I know a lot of people who feel the same. I thought more highly of psychologists before I became one. Now I understand they are just people. Some of them are really good at their jobs, most are mediocre/average, and some are incompetent or dangerous — like any other profession. Some are mentally healthy and well-balanced, the majority have “issues” of one kind or another, and some are very disturbed — like in any other profession.
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I probably wouldn’t go to a psychologist for help, too, but not because I think they’re nuts. It’s because I’ve known too many psychologists. I know they are fumbling along in life just like I am. They aren’t gurus. Plus I know most of their techniques. Psychologists make the worst patients, lol.
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I think psychiatry has done much more damage than psychology. Psychology has its share of screw ups, but nothing to match psychiatry’s record.
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I love that Antoine de Saint-Exupery quote.
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Given my relative lack of interest in socializing, I have wondered sometimes whether I’m Asperberger’s, too, or on the Autism spectrum, or possibly Schizoid Personality. I don’t think so, though. I checked out the diagnostic criteria for each of those conditions, and although I fit a few traits here and there, I don’t fit the overall picture.
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I wouldn’t argue with someone who said there is something “off” about me, though, lol. They just haven’t found a label for me yet. Maybe I’ll be in the DSM-6.
Not sure what happened with my reply, it came out as a wall of text despite having proper paragraphs as I typed it in a text-editor. Apologies for the wall of text.
Yeah, the issue is on my end. Something in my blog software doesn’t like lines between paragraphs, for some perverse reason. This is the first time I’ve noticed it, so it might be that a recent update screwed things up. Your comment displays correctly in the admin panel, but when I look at it on the website, all the lines between paragraphs have been removed.
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I tried editing it, adding additional lines between the paragraphs, but that didn’t work. Then I tried putting a period into the space, and that seemed to work — at least it held the space — although it looks a little odd.
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Thanks for your interesting, thoughtful comment. Apologies for my software mangling it. I am not very savvy when it comes to blog software, but perhaps eventually I’ll figure out what’s causing it. Or else I’ll just be inserting lots of periods, heh.
“Quite often, coupling is not making anyone “complete.” It is allowing them to avoid their inner lives and artificially boosting their self-esteem. It is not “you complete me.” It is more like “you help me escape me.”
What a well written well-thought-out article. I learned so much. This quote is very deep. I personally value friendships And love living my life on my own terms.
Hello Mr. Andersson, I am Héctor I am 31M I have gone through a break up recently (many more in the last 10 years) with 4 different women and I must tell you that I have been chasing windmills all of this time. I had become so fixated in being part of a relationship, to seem normal in some aspects. I also had other not-so-noble reasons, like not being alone, feeling guilty about breaking up with the other person once we had sex (so stupid I know) and in two ocassions out of genuine “love” (more like infatuation and sexual urge).
I have however gone through a breakup with my last partner and things have been very depressing for me. I am experiencing abandonment issues and I feel anger towards this person for getting away from me and blocking me out of her life. I miss so much her friendship and her companionship more than any semblance of “romantic” lovey dovey love. I just miss a friend.
Your words have reminded me that, I am the ultimate creator of my destiny, of my inner life and that nobody can save me from myself. I am alone in this and thats ok ( and even awesome). Nobody will fix my issues for me, nobody owes me anything.
I would like to hear more from you for those of us who have lost a relationship and miss the companionship and how to make friends or connect with people in the outside world. Or finally, be able to obtain contentment in utter solitude.
I really appreciate your blog, please keep on writing more.
Hi, Hector. I’m sorry to hear you’re going through that. If she blocked you out like that, she isn’t someone who really cared that much about you to begin with, so I’d encourage you not to idealize what you had with her. I understand missing someone, but she also told you who she was (and how much actual care/concern she had for you) by the way she ended it. Very callous and immature. You “dodged a bullet,” as they say.
I am glad you find some of the articles helpful. I’m not sure I’m the right guy to advise you on how to get over a breakup. It’s been a long time since I dealt with that. I can tell you that, when I look back, I have zero regrets about any of those breakups. I am glad those relationships ended. My life would be much worse now, had they continued. I have no doubt about that. I’m not saying they were bad women or toxic relationships, just that they would have taken me off course.
You asked how one can “make friends or connect with people.” That’s a big topic and one I can’t really do justice to in a brief comment. I’m not saying anything original here, but being authentic is important, being willing to express yourself is important, and listening skills are important. Of course, it helps to be a decent, friendly person rather than an asshole, too, lol. I’m no expert on friendship, though. I’m very introverted and have only a couple of close friends. I am okay with just social contact; I don’t need a lot of super-close connection. I like meaningful conversation rather than superficial social chat. Like-minded people can be hard to find. I think it’s harder as a man. Dogs help.
You also asked how to “obtain contentment in utter solitude.” I don’t think you can, if by “utter solitude” you mean a permanent condition, rather than a temporary one. There are hermits who can live peacefully in complete isolation for many years, but that is rare. Most of us, even the biggest introverts, need some social connection.
But being content in temporary solitude is a very different matter. That is entirely doable. That takes practice. When you first come out of a breakup, you’re really off balance for a long while — maybe 6 to 12 months. It takes a long time to get used to being alone again. But once you do, you may find that you start to like it. That’s what happened to me, anyhow, and to many other men.
It’s too early to tell for you, though. You’re 31, right in the middle of the big dating/mating phase of life. Maybe you’ll end up married. Maybe you’ll end up on the single path. Sounds like you’ve still got some exploring, experimenting, and thinking to do. Thanks for your comment. I wish you the best.