Relationships are Resource Hogs

Most people want to be in a good, healthy, long-term romantic relationship (LTR).  I get it.  I see the appeal.  I’ve been in relationships like that, and I’ve enjoyed them — for a time.  But a decade ago, I decided that I didn’t want to be a part of them anymore – not because I was “hurt,” not because something terrible happened, but because it didn’t seem worth the tradeoff.

In the abstract, I want a good, healthy LTR. Who doesn’t? But there’s a difference between wanting something and choosing it.  We want all sorts of things, but we have to make choices, because our time on Earth is limited, as is our energy.    

If I were an immortal and limitless being – someone with unlimited time and energy – then I would pursue a relationship. Why not? I would have time to do it all. There would be no sacrifice involved.  The trouble is (and I have filed a complaint with management), I am not an immortal and limitless being. My time and energy are limited.  I have to make choices about where to invest them and where to let go.

Unless I have immortal beings amongst my readers, then you are in the same boat — a mortal human with limited time and energy.  You have to prioritize. You have to make choices about where you will invest your time and energy.

Here’s the rub. Time and energy are limited resources. Once they are spent, they are gone. Once you spend them on pursuing and building an LTR, they are no longer available for anything else. All other possibilities are foreclosed. While that is true of any choices — if you choose one path, you forgo another — it’s a crucial consideration with LTRs, precisely because LTRs are such resource hogs. They consume a huge amount of time, energy, and attention (to say nothing of money, which I’ll ignore for the purposes of this article).

I can anticipate an objection: “You’re exaggerating. Relationships aren’t that time-consuming.” But such a person is only considering the final phase, where you’re coasting along in a happy, healthy relationship. He isn’t looking at the big picture. Acquiring a good, happy, healthy LTR is not a simple process. There is preparation involved — we work on ourselves to build skills, be a good partner, etc. There is a long search process — weeding through profiles, conversations that fizzle, dates that fail, short-term relationships that collapse, etc. Then there is what I’ll call the “building” phase, where you are enamored with each other and investing huge amounts of time and energy in getting to know each other, working things out, and building toward higher levels of commitment.

In counting the costs, you have to consider all phases — preparation and search, building, and maintenance. Don’t just picture a well-functioning LTR and say, “Well, that wouldn’t take much time and energy.” You’ve got to look at the whole endeavor, from start to finish.

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My overall point is that LTRs are resource hogs. With the exception of your career, there is no other life choice that requires as much time and energy as pursuing an LTR. If you spend your limited resources (time and energy) on an LTR, those resources are gone. They are unavailable for anything else that matters to you in life.

Now, it may be that nothing else matters to you in life besides career and romantic relationships. Freud said it’s all about work and love, right? If that is you, that is fine with me, and I wish you well. There are plenty of people like you. I don’t begrudge that choice a bit. I am just making a different one, because, for me, there are other things in life that matter more, and I don’t want to give them up to pursue an LTR.

Let me walk you through the phases of an LTR briefly, so you have a better appreciation of the total time and energy required.

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Preparation

By “preparation,” I’m referring to making ourselves ready for a good LTR partner, should one come along. For example, this would involve:

• Learning about what we want in relationships
• Learning about intersexual dynamics
• Learning about women
• Acquiring interpersonal skills
• Building sexual competence and confidence
• Grooming and wardrobe
• Working on our physique
• Working on our “game”

For most men, there is considerable time and energy involved in all of that. You can shave off a little if you’re a genetically blessed stud, but you still need to do your homework. We are talking about a good, healthy LTR here, not just a series of flings.

Preparation is a long process and could potentially go on our whole lives. (By the way, I don’t mean to suggest that you need to finish one phase before going on to the next. I’m just separating them for simplicity’s sake.)

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Search

We must spend a considerable amount of time and energy searching for a good LTR partner. That “special someone” who meets our criteria and whose criteria we meet — she doesn’t just fall out of the sky. We have to search through the haystack to find the needle.

This process can take years — decades even — and does not necessarily result in success. It is quite possible to spend your whole life searching and never finding.

In “search,” you’ll be doing this sort of stuff:

• Sorting through thousands of profiles on online dating apps, assuming you use them
• Approaching women, either online or in real life, knowing it’s a numbers game and that the vast majority of these interactions will go nowhere
• Dating, which involves initiating, risking rejection, preparing yourself for the date, choosing the venue, and usually paying. While on the date, you work to maintain conversation. Some dates go well, but most will fizzle, and then it’s back to square one.

Short-term Relationships

Sometimes, dating will transition to a short-term relationship. This can be fun, because there is chemistry and sometimes limerence. It feels good. But let’s step back and count the costs, in terms of time and energy. Typically, people in limerence talk and interact every day, often for hours.  They go out a lot.  They stay in a lot.  They spend evenings and weekends blissfully entwined in each other’s arms.  Even when you’re apart, you’re not really apart, because you’re preoccupied with your sweetheart. The neurochemistry fixes your attention.

Meanwhile, you’re learning more about your girlfriend — her history, her personality, her job, family and kids, etc. Getting to know her can be interesting, but it does take a lot of time and energy, particularly if she is talking about stressful or complex issues. You are also trying to sort through your feelings and thoughts about her. This takes a good deal of time and effort.

Fact is, the overwhelming majority of short-term relationships fail. They run their course in a few months or a year, and then it’s over. Back to the drawing board.   

Consider the time, energy, and attention involved in this search process. Think about all the looking, all the fizzling, all the starting over and trying again. When you add it all up, it’s a lot.

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Building

Let’s suppose one of your short-term relationships works out, and it turns into a good, healthy, well-functioning LTR.  Hey, good for you. But let’s consider the time and energy investment.

Many of the processes mentioned under STR, above, still are at work here. Limerence continues; mental preoccupation continues. Days and nights entwined in each other’s arms. Frequent dates, getting to know each other more deeply. If anything, the investment escalates, because you are becoming more important to each other. The hopes are higher, and the stakes are higher. Take all the time investments mentioned in the STR section above and multiply by two.

Maintenance

Eventually, you lock in and begin to feel secure and committed to the relationship for the long haul. The limerence subsides after a year or two. You no longer feel preoccupied with her, and your mood returns to baseline. You know each other pretty well at this point, so the excitement of getting to know someone has been replaced by a comfortable familiarity. The relationship isn’t as much fun, but it’s more grounded in reality.

However, the time and energy requirements haven’t stopped. Like anything of value, you need to work to maintain the relationship. Relationships are work, as they say.

Well, maybe not that much work. But you’re still spending a good deal of time and energy conversing with her every day, doing a lot together, and spending evenings and weekends together. You’re dealing with more of the day-to-day mundane stuff during this phase. You’re also having to cope with some of the personality or values differences you shrugged off or avoided during limerence. Sometimes, you’ll have arguments or ruptures, and you’ll be spending a lot of emotional energy on those, too.

Sometimes, you’ll decide to get married, God help you. Marriage and family involve an even higher level of expenditure in terms of time, attention, and energy, but I’m going to skip that subject here and just confine myself to LTRs. I don’t think marriage is a good option for men (Do Not Get Married).

The majority of LTRs end, usually within a few years. So once again, it’s back to the drawing board. In the meantime, a lot of time and energy has been spent that could have gone elsewhere.

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Tally it Up

I’m not saying that nothing valuable comes from all of the preparing for, searching for, building up, and maintaining relationships. You can learn things about yourself in relationships. You can learn things about women and about what relationships are like. You can have pleasant memories. Good things can come from them. I’m not dismissing any of that.

I’m just saying, it takes a lot of time, energy, and attention — especially if you consider the whole process, from start to finish (and many of us never finish). Those are limited resources, and when you spend them on pursuing an LTR, they are gone forever.  They are no longer available for anything else that matters to you.

Granted, if nothing else matters to you, that isn’t a problem.  If all you do in your spare time is watch TV while picking lint from your navel, then by all means, pursue an LTR. It would be an improvement. But if you have other things that you care about, think twice. 

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My Case

I’ll use myself as an example.  Here are some things I value:

• Personal development; growth and learning
• Spiritual development and understanding  
• Meaningful work — projects or activities that feel meaningful and purposeful
• Enjoyable hobbies, recreation, and leisure activities
• Relationships with friends, family, and animals
• My relationship with myself (taking care of myself physically, mentally, emotionally)
• Reading
• Watching Youtube videos
• Expressing myself in writing
• Reflection and quiet time alone 

Fact is, if I were to invest time and energy in pursuing an LTR, I would have less available for all of those things above. Everything else I value would suffer. I’m just not willing to make that tradeoff.

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That is one of the reasons I forgo relationships.  It’s not that I’ve been burned or that I dislike women.  It’s just that the cost — in terms of time, attention, and energy — is too high for me. I want to spend my limited resources on other things, things that matter in the aggregate more than an LTR. If you feel differently, that’s fine with me. I’m just explaining my thought process.

Maybe someday, I will be granted the status of an immortal and limitless being.  I’ve put in an application, so we’ll see.  Until then, I am choosing not to pursue an LTR. I want other things more.   

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